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LeBron’s Decision

July 8, 2010

LeBron James will decide where he will sign for 2010 and beyond in an hour long special Thursday night at 9 p.m. live on ESPN. While broadcasting the decision shows a degree of media savvy, many are questioning how ESPN plans to fill the hour of air time that isn’t the actual announcement. Here’s a rundown of how they plan to fill the time:

9:00 –  Lavish musical number with Mike Tirico, Tim Legler, Ric Bucher, and Stephen A. Smith in tuxedos.

9:10 – A hilarious and biting tribute from legendary Vegas funnyman and roastmaster extraordinare Don Rickles.

9:18 – Interview with LeBron’s new step-dad, Delonte West.

9:22 – Live-look in  as Shaq announces his decision to sign with Milwaukee on Versus.

9:25 – LeBron enters the ESPN studios and forces the team of analysts to listen to ex-teammate Damon Jones sing and tell him how good he is.

9:31 – As the announcement draws closer, beat writer Chris Broussard openly weeps at the thought of his own ebbing relevance.

9:35 –  A haggard looking Alexei Lalas breaks onto the set and has to be restrained as he desperately attempts to remind everyone that the World Cup is still going on.

9:43 – Ron Artest attempts to explain the plot of Inception.

9:49 – In the interest of gender equality, David Stern calls in to demand that equal attention be paid to WNBA free agency. An intern must remind the commissioner that the WNBA season is actually underway.

9:51 – In an effort to kill time, Ric Bucher performs some of his old stand-up routine from his college days; he’s roundly booed by LeBron’s entourage.

9:54 – Shelley Smith makes the assembled crowd both nauseous and amazed as she finishes a 72 oz. steak she began at the beginning of the show. She is awarded a t-shirt and a coupon to the Bristol Applebee’s.

9:59:59 – LeBron finally makes his announcement – he is buying the Knicks, Heat, and Cavs and turning them into one super team known as the Miew Yleveland Cavaheaterbockers. The starting center will be Dwayne Wade sitting on Amare Stoudemire’s shoulders.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. July 8, 2010 1:16 pm

    As a Knick fan, that last part actually sounds reasonable and preferable to what’s going on now. But I’m more interested in an entire one-hour special where Ron Artest explains The Inception. That could be a weekly show and Artest could create the theme music. Congratulations, ESPN 3 – you have your first blockbuster hit show.

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