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I Love It When A Remake Comes Together

June 14, 2010

I’m Colonel Hannibal Smith, and I love it when a plan comes together.

In 1972 my crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime we didn’t commit. We promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, we survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find us, maybe you can hire…the A-Team.

Anyway, I’m the leader of that team and I’m responsible for designing all our plans. Whenever I see a plan come to fruition, it’s my job to say, “I love it when a plan comes together.” Planning just comes naturally to me. Whenever we decide to take a team vacation to Disney World, who has an itinerary ready for everyone on the first morning of our trip? Me. When we go to a ball game, and Face and BA want to go get a brat, but Murdoch wants to get a hot pretzel, who lays out a well designed plan so we all reunite back at our seats without getting lost? Me. And who makes sure all team members fill out a daily planner so they won’t miss appointments? I’ll give you three guesses to plan out the answer to that question.

My planning skills aren’t limited to military stuff. I like making plans for things I don’t even know about. I even diagram basketball plays for local AAU teams. I’ve been known to walk up to a huddle of high school age basketball players, give them offensive plays and defensive schemes, and watch them execute it on the court. I’m usually chased away by their coach, but that doesn’t change the fact that they use my plan, and it comes together.

I even dabbled in architecture. One time I walked up to a construction site, handed the foreman a set of blueprints I had planned out, and said, “Now there’s a real plan you can use.” When he asked me who the fuck I was, I slowly lit my cigar and said, “You should build it that way. After all, I love it when a plan comes together.” Hearing this, he immediately turned to his boys and told them to follow my plan. People just seem to gain confidence when I pull that cigar out and tell them how much I love it when my plans come together, you know? I patted him on the back and walked away. And the plan worked. Of course, the building had major structural damage and collapsed two months after completion because I know nothing about construction, but the point is, they used my plan.

I guess it all goes back to when I was a kid. I loved planning things. In history class, they asked us to do a report on any topic in United States history. I chose the Marshall Plan, which was the U.S. program designed to rebuild the Western European infrastructure following World War II. On the day my presentation was due, I got up and gave a twenty minute speech on how awesome it is to plan things out ahead of time.  I told them how good I was at planning, and that one day I would make plans come together for a living. My teacher asked me what the fuck any of that had to do with the Marshall Plan, but I just shook my head and laughed. Then I pulled out a cigar and said, “God, I love it when a plan comes together.” I was then immediately sent to the principal’s office since we weren’t allowed to smoke in fourth grade.

But my life of making military plans is over. Now I’m living off my great reputation of past planning success. Don’t worry, though. I’m making bank after I got a sweet endorsement deal I signed with Planned Parenthood. They’re paying me to show up at Pro-Life rallies, light up my cigar, and tell the protestors, “Look, you might not be pro-choice, but don’t you just love it when a planned pregnancy comes together?” No matter what they believe in, I’m hoping that as fans of the A-Team, they say yes.

Why would they do that, you ask? Because, as the saying goes…they enjoy it when a scheme works out nicely for all involved.

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