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Google, Would You Please Be My Friend?

May 12, 2010

I emailed this guy to ask a question. What I was asking, and who he is are irrelevant. What matters here, for our purposes, is his response:

“Google is your friend :)”

Or, you know….you could just tell me. Assfuck.

If you missed that, he’s basically insinuating that I utilize the search engine Google.com to find the result of my query. As to my efforts to obtain the information from him, I am basically being invited to go fuck myself.

He could have not answered me. He could have written back and said, “Look it up yourself, you dink.” But he loses all credibility when he chooses snarky passive-aggressiveness and tops it off with a smiley face. I’ll give him this: someone who responds with nothing but the phrase “Google is your friend”  is kind of smug, but if it’s delivered deadpan and by itself, I can see the humor. I can support a guy like that. I can sympathize with a guy like that. I am a guy like that.

Where he loses me is the emoticon. It’s important to first note that any man who uses an emoticon is, in fact, Elton John. You may think that awesomely cool coworker of yours always asking you to “hang out,” armed with his endless supply of compliments and a satchel,  is just a harmless chump, but when he takes off his Mission:Impossible-style mask, he’ll expose himself as the man who wrote Bennie and the Jets. If you’re going to be a dick, make your statement and move on. Have the courage of your convictions. Throwing in a smiley face exposes you for the lily that you are. I’ve never been to jail, but I’d be willing to bet a grand that prisoners that used emoticons  on the outside get wifed up real quick.

I haven’t responded to him yet. I’ve thought of a few possible ways to go about it, and I’ll let the readers decide.

How do you know we’re just friends? There ain’t nothing friendly that goes on when me and Google get together, buddy.  Google’s a freak, straight up. We had the cops coming over at like 4 in the morning telling us we sounded like some kind of wounded jungle cats up in here. For real man, Google is straight DTF. Google does shit that Yahoo won’t even watch in the movies. Last night Google even asked if we could invite Bing over and have AskJeeves film the whole damn thing.

Never heard of it. Is it some kind of restaurant or dating service?

You’re right. Google is good for all kinds of functions. Like running a google image search for “condescending pricks who probably still wear pajamas with feet.” Guess whose picture popped up.

You think Google has time to be friends with me? Google’s too busy. Last week I said, ‘Google, you trying to play some ball?’ You know what he says? ‘Naaaaaaw man. I would, but I gotta help this Turkish kid get information about Fergie.”

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One Comment leave one →
  1. May 13, 2010 12:49 am

    “Mike, I’m not sure I understand what you mean in the fifth paragraph?”

    “Oh, well here ya go, http://tinyurl.com/25refnq

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