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Larry King is a Pimp

April 23, 2010

Larry King is getting another divorce. While many people are making light of the situation, I’ve realized something – a guy who talks 8 chicks into marrying him while looking like a frog must have some serious game. Larry wrote in to contribute one of his old USA Today style columns, and I encouraged him to let his pimp game shine through. So here he is, the  apparent Mack Daddy himself, Pimpy King:

For my money, there’s no better way to slap a bitch than a firmly delivered backhand.

 I love a good orgy as much as the next guy, but getting everyone’s sandwich order right when we break for lunch can be a tall order.

JCPenney never seems to have purple velour robes in medium.

Attention all sex swing manufacturers: when you’re writing the instruction manual, please let me know that I’ll need a Philipshead screwdriver in advance. What a headache that was.

When it comes to Arnold Palmer, I can decide which one I like better – the drink or the golfer!

As much as fun as it was to play stickball with my old pal Sandy Koufax, there was nothing we liked better than performing an Eiffel Tower on some dame.

Is Lady Gaga this generation’s Madonna? Maybe. All I know is that I’ve put the wood to both of ’em. At once.

Speaking of baseball, hot dogs are great, but in my humble opinion, the best ballpark food is grapes fed to you by a loyal ho. 

For my money, gin rummy is still the best card game.

Never understood why Burt Reynolds didn’t come back for more Smokey and the Bandits.

One of the most graceful, elegant, and classy women of all time was Audrey Hepburn. I told her that when I tagged her in the coat room at the 1957 Oscars.

Whatever happened to Sears?

I need three things to fully enjoy a movie at home – a bowl of corn chips, a glass of Root Beer, and a cocktail waitress to raw dog. 

I’m genuinely curious – can you write off a lap dance on your tax return? Not sure – never had to pay for one.

For my money, my penis has a pair of glasses and suspenders.

I have a feeling that no matter how many great foods the human race develops, the Tic Tac will stand the test of time.

Finally, there’s nowhere better to watch opening day than Dodgers Stadium. Except, of course, from the bottom of a kick ass menage a trois.

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