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Releasing Your Kraken

April 19, 2010

Not only was Clash of the Titans a shitty movie in the eighties, but its now a shitty (number one) movie again in 2010 . It stars the guy from Avatar, Liam Neeson, and a giant Kraken. While the movie itself sucked, everyone can agree that Liam Neeson’s cry of “RELEASE THE KRAKEN!” has become the breakaway trailer sentence of the summer movie season. Here to talk a little bit more about releasing your Kraken is the number one deity himself, Zeus:

Hello everyone. I am Zeus, father of the Gods and ruler of Mount Olympus. I don’t think it’s any big secret that when there’s dirty work to be done, I turn to my trusty friend the Kraken to handle it for me. Some say I’ve become way too dependant on releasing it on the unsuspecting populace to do unspeakable damage to all civilization.

If only they realized how truly hard it is to release your Kraken.

Sure, you can always just bellow “RELEASE THE KRAKEN” and hope that everything turns out allright. But what if he’s sick? What if someone the Kraken is battling has a weapon, like a knife? Or what if it’s just a smidge colder than the Kraken expected that morning before he left his deep sea lair, and he doesn’t have a coat? The last thing I want is my Kraken getting the sniffles.

Don’t even get me started on when he leaves for college. Do NOT even get me started. I am SO not ready to contemplate that right now that if we talk about it, I’m just going to get too emotional.

It’s hard to accept that Kraken’s grow up. I remember when he was a little guy. Before he ate a ship full of frightened sailors, I would make sure to cut them up in small pieces lest he choke. Aries said I was being over protective, but he shut up after I sicked an army of horny bees with double stingers after him. The message being: if you call Zeus overprotective of his Kraken, you WILL get eyefucked by a hive full of bees. Good luck getting the honey out, dickface.  The point is, part of owning a Kraken is accepting that at some point, you have to release him. You’re going to have to let him do things on his own like drive a car, stay overnight at another Kraken’s house, or mercilessly torture and maim thousands of helpless Greek villagers.

Now granted,  my Kraken is a ferocious beast focused only on satiating his bloodlust. But there’s so many things that could happen out there in this big bad world. What if he skins his knee without a fresh supply of Neosporin on hand? What if he gets a nosebleed and there are no Kleenex? And what if he gets mugged and raped by a couple of bigger tougher thug Krakens from the bad part of Kraken town? The possibilities are endless! It makes me thankful that I told him to hide his cash in his shoe.

The transition to adolesence is complicated in so many ways. Back in the day, you wanted to keep your Kraken quiet, all you had to do is give him a bowl of Cheetos and throw on Willy Wonka. Now all he’s interested in is looking at girly Kraken magazines. Or maybe it’s manly Kraken magazines. I really have no idea whether or not he’s male or female and I have absolutely no clue how Kraken reproductive systems work.

Do they even have sex? Don’t ask me…I”m a Greek God, not a fucking scientist.

I haven’t even mentioned the ridiculous amount of temptation out there. Last week I stopped by to see if he wanted to go catch a movie. I knock on his bedroom door and it takes him a wicked long time to answer. I chuckle to myself, thinking he’s sneaking in a quick jerkoff session. When he finally answers the door, I see a plastic bag and an aerosol spray can on the bed. I thought he was huffing paint! Luckily, he told me it was for a school project, but for a second there I was a little worried.

Bottom line is, I’ll just need to come to grips with the fact that my Kraken is growing up. I know I have to deal with it, but it’s nerve wracking, and I don’t know how I’m going to cope. I guess the only solace I have is my usual Greek God routine of randomly destroying and/or fucking anything I want.

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One Comment leave one →
  1. April 19, 2010 9:09 pm

    Haha, funny. I saw this movie a few days ago. I came across your Chewbacca series and i think its hilarious! I run a blog called Chewbacca Facts (www.chewiefacts.wordpress.com), a parody of Chuck norris facts. Id love for you to take a look around, comment, and if you want do a guest post. Cheers!

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