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Eat My Snowballs, Al Gore

December 20, 2009

With the weather taking a turn for the worse this weekend, I thought it would be appropriate to turn it over to the man who controls this kind of thing for a guest blog, Mr. Jack Frost:

So Al Gore – it wasn’t enough for you to lose a presidential election? You had to get up in everybody’s face about the temperature of the Earth. Most people heard your incessant whimpering as a cry for help to the environment. You know what I heard? “Jack Frost is a punk bitch.”

Well. Who’s the punk bitch now, punk bitch?

Before Friday night, I had heard you bitched a lot about global warming, but I never paid it any mind. But then I ran into this icicle I went to college with, and we decided to rent some movies and hang out back at my place. I’ve got a condo a couple blocks from the Fortress of Solitude, so we head back there after grabbing dinner at Snow-Mortons.

Anyway, we Netflix a couple movies. We get the Phantom Menace, Red Dawn, and an Inconvenient Truth. A very weird combo, I know, but this guy was a bit of an odd duck. Still is. Really into anime and shit like that. To be honest, the only reason I hung out with him was because back in the day he had an Ice-Playstation 2 in his room. 

So he throws on this Al Gore shitfest, and I start to get really frustrated. I ended up chucking a colander full of spaghetti out into the street, I was so pissed. Some people saw this movie as the absolute gospel, others saw it as propaganda….I saw it as a direct assault on my manhood. Couldn’t let that stand. I figured that the only way to show Al Gore that he was full of it, and that I was legit, was to let my cold nuts hang.

So I basically went ahead and Frost-skeeted all over the East Coast Friday and Saturday.

It wasn’t necessarily what I wanted to do. But Al Gore trounces all over my good name for the last seven or eight years, and I’m supposed to sit here like a little bitch and take it? No chance. So for all you proponents of global warming: why don’t you try driving this week? When you’re on MSNBC making your lame pseudo-scientific claims, enjoy looking out your window to behold the winter wonderland that is my pwnage compilation tape. I even thought about going out, shooting some footage of drivers skidding everywhere, setting it to Disturbed, and throwing that shit on Youtube. 

OOOH AHH AHH AHH AHH.

It’s a shame that this had to happen. Maybe if Al Gore had actually been able to win the 2000 election, he wouldn’t have to focus on this ultimately pointless non-issue. I wish I could empathize with you, Al, but I rarely lose. Don’t believe me? Watch a dog try to take a leak in that masterpiece I threw down this weekend. He’ll have to tunnel through like a goddamn coal miner. Or try to watch some douche try to walk over some of my black ice in sneakers. No, I’ll wait. I’m serious, go ahead. Go out and find some douche trying to walk on black ice. After you behold his majestic face plant, come back and tell me I don’t win on the regular. You can’t, because I always do.

So in closing, I’d like to respectfully ask: Mr. Vice President, could you tell me how my ass taste?

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