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Six Christmas Movies That Need To Be Made Now

December 7, 2009

The Bipolar Express
All those creepy kids with the dead eyes and Tom Hanks are back for another fun filled train ride to the North Pole. The twist? As soon as they set foot on the train, everyone’s mood goes from upbeat to immediately troubled. One minute the conductor is cheerfully orchestrating a holiday dance number about hot chocolate, the next minute he’s mercilessly chucking a kid with no ticket into a snow bank. One minute a kid is mischieviously sneaking out to frolic on the roof of the train, the next minute he’s silently brooding in the bathroom listening to Death Cab. Then it all goes to shit when they get to the North Pole and Santa greets them with a smile initially, only to browbeat an elf two minutes later for pronouncing it as “nuc-u-lar” instead of “nuclear.”

Star Wars Holiday Special – Special Edition
If you love Star Wars, but you’ve never heard of the Star Wars Holiday Special, you’re missing out. In a two hour made-for-TV holiday network television variety show extravaganze, Luke, Leia, Han, and the droids visit Chewbacca on his home planet to celebrate the Wookie equivalent of Christmas. A space variety show ensues. I’m not making any of this up; click the link and let Wikipedia be your guide.  Bea Arthur and Jefferson Airplane have cameos. To this day I’ve never viewed it because I’m afraid I will shit out of my eyeballs. George Lucas might as well cash in on this. Why? Three words: CGI Bea Arthur.

The Muppets Take the Nativity
They’ve tackled Dickens, now it’s time for the birth of baby Jesus. Miss Piggy as the Virgin Mary, Gonzo, Fozzie, and Sam the Eagle as the Three Kings, rounded out by Kermit trying to figure out who knocked up his pig-wife as Joseph. Hilary ensues when Bunson Honeydew attempts to get Piggy to put her feet in stirrups. In a riveting finale, it takes the combined forces of all the Muppets to subdue Piggy while Beaker drugs her with painkillers so she’ll shut the hell up during the world’s first C-Section performed in a dirty manger. 

Home Alone 5
Following up the classic original movies and their two lesser known McCulkin-less sequels, Home Alone 5 would deal with the lengthy custody battle between the McAlisters and Kevin’s guardian, now appointed by the state.

Christopher Nolan’s Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer
For a more realistic take on a classic tale, we turn it over to the director of the current Batman franchise. Rudolph is an alcoholic moose with a slightly cherubic nasal cavity. Santa is nothing but a morbidly obese thief who likes to break into people’s homes, and Yukon Cornelius is a gay prospector motivated by sheer avarice. Also, Michael Caine stars as the singing snowman that doesn’t wear pants.  

Ernest Ruins Christmas
In a surprisingly dark entry in the Ernest series, Ernest goes around to people’s houses doing horrible things to mess up their holiday. He knocks over trees, opens presents early, farts during midnight mass, and fills stockings with leaking batteries and cat excrement. There’s also a complicated subplot where he frames Santa for insider trading, thereby ensuring that no children will receive presents on Christmas. He frequently enlists the help of Vern in his mischief, like when he and Vern traipse around town looking for Salvation Army volunteers to practice their kung fu on.  Unfortunately, the actor who played Ernest has passed, but don’t worry because I’ve got three words for you:

CGI. Jim. Varney.

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