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Glen Coffee Is Not Actually a Football Player

September 30, 2009
glen-coffee

There’s just no way. That’s not the name of a football player. Here are some jobs that a guy named Glen Coffee should have:

STARBUCKS BARISTA
He’d probably look at it as his duty to take this job based on the pride he feels for his last name. He’d work really hard so people will think he’s proud of what he does, when in actuality he just never had the ambition to finish his screenplay.  

LOCAL MORNING SHOW HOST
Sporting a toothy, brainless smile that masks a vapid mind, Glen Coffee wants you to know that it’s 35 past the hour and coming up we’ve got interior decorator Kendra Thompson with some great design tips for the fall season, plus child psychologist Dr. Steve Bratt will tell us how to talk to your kids about the birds and the bees. Something of an awkward subject there, you’ll want to stick around for that. All that, plus weather. We’ll be right back here on Cup O’Coffee, I look exactly like Jay Crawford.

PORN GUY
Wouldn’t be shocked if this guy scored a TD and pulled off his helmet to reveal a thick black moustache.

A BASEBALL PLAYER WITH MIDDLING TALENT WHO CAN ONLY GET CALLED UP FOR 10-15 GAMES AT A TIME
So every time his family asks him how his last stint in the majors went, he can say, “Eh. I was only up  for a cup of me.”

WILLY WONKA’S LESS SUCCESSFUL YOUNGER BROTHER
Willy went with the cocoa bean, Glen goes with the coffee bean. But he had to get out of the Wonka shadow, so he takes on a different last name. I’d imagine him wearing a top hat and a frilly suit, but with a different color. Definitely goes with an earth tone to combat Willy’s flamboyantly purple get-up. Brown, maybe green.  Thanksgiving probably gets awkward when post-dinner, Willy sweet talks everyone into picking hot chocolate over Glen’s Columbian blend.

A CHARACTER FROM ANCHORMAN
Don’t know what role he’d play, but I’m sure he’d be ironically smug.

THE HEIR TO THE MR. COFFEE FORTUNE
When his grandfather, Arturo Coffinio, showed up in this country on the docks in the early 1900’s with nothing but some hope and an idea for a machine that produces terrible coffee, nobody thought he’d amount to anything. He sure showed them.

A PRO WRESTLER WITH THE WORLD’S MOST BORING GIMMICK
Some mid-card jobber who already went through a couple failed gimmicks in the mid 90’s comes out wearing a suit, holding a thermos, and makes a lot of quick, random movements. Announcer says he hails from the island of Java. Finishing move is known as “The Decaffeinator.” Wins the Intercontinental Title, but never ascends to championship contender level.

A BALD GUY WITH VERY LITTLE CAREER PROSPECTS WHOSE WIFE CLEARLY CHEATS ON HIM
Is an assistant manager at Staples and looks like Brad Childress.

A VERY GOOD REINDEER HUNTER IN THE ARCTIC CIRCLE, NORTHERN CANADA, OR PARTS OF  SCANDINAVIA
“That man right there is the best reindeer hunter in this land. His name? His family calls him Glen, but most folks ’round these parts know him only as “Caribou” Coffee.”

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