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Ted Kennedy Healthcare GMail Outage

September 2, 2009

Listen up: I have a show at the DC Improv Lounge on Friday night. The problem we’re facing is simple: if we don’t sell that bitch out, the DC Improv is closing down.

Confused? Wrap your brain around this awesome explanation: an evil developer has told me that if we can’t fill the Lounge to the brim, he’s going to buy the club up and turn it into a parking lot. That is a true statement of fact, not the plot of one of the Muppet movies. Okay?  Weird thing is,  the guy doesn’t even own any of the surrounding property. He just wants to destroy the Improv to make room for a small yet random parking lot in the middle of Connecticut Avenue.

Maybe you’re asking why an evil developer would do such a thing? Well, how about we were rivals in high school. We always ended up on the same team when we played pickup basketball games in gym class but I never passed to him. I made it rain with 15 foot jump shots from the corners. The reality of my awesome jump shot was too much for him, so he quit playing altogether. He would just walk around the track with a couple of the girls who didn’t like sports. He even stopped wearing gym shorts and showed up to PE in jeans. The gym teacher didn’t even notice. Every day he had to watch me as all the dudes envied me and the chicks swooned over me. After all, we all know that being able to shoot a basketball marginally well against subpar competition is the world’s most powerful aphrodisiac.

So we both graduate high school. He moves out west. Meets an eccentric old billionaire who likes paying people to buy up old, beloved buildings and turn them into parking lots because he hates happiness and beloved buildings. Then after a simple Google search of my name, finds out that not only do I perform stand-up, I’ve got a show in D.C. And where exactly is this show in D.C.?

You guessed it. A beloved old building.

The bottom line is that if you believe in America…if you believe in comedy…if you believe in democracy, love, and beloved old buildings…you WILL buy a ticket to see this show. It is your civic duty as an American citizen to want to stop evil developers from wrecking buildings to make room for parking lots. If it doesn’t sicken you, I guess you’re a Communist.

Do your part to stop evil and purchase yourself a ticket to see this show.

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