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Upcoming Shows and 7-11 Big Bites

August 27, 2009

Tomorrow night, August 28, I’m MCing at Liberty Laughs, a great, somewhat new-ish club in Fredericksburg, VA. The headliner is John Clark, a good buddy of mine who got me started in comedy at a lot of the open mics  when I was a lowercase G.

The following Friday, September 4, I’ll be at the DC Improv Lounge as part of Drag Me To Hilarity, a showcase featuring some of D.C.’s best young comics. Don’t let the fact that it’s named after one of the year’s worst movies fool you; this is going to be a solid show.  Eli Sairs, Mark Reiss, Aparna Nancherla, Jake Young, Hampton Yount, Courtney Fearrington and myself are all set to go up.  Oh and for anyone who hasn’t seen Drag Me To Hell: she gets dragged to Hell. Oh, and an old lady barfs cockroaches. There. Saved you a Netflix rental.

Finally, check out the Old Arlington Grill every Saturday night around 10:30-ish. This is an open mic, but it skews a little closer to being a showcase. I’m not here every weekend, but even when I’m not you should check this out. Always has a lot of good comics.

I’ve been going to 7-11 for lunch a lot lately, because I love fresh food but sometimes I need a break. They have this deal where you can get a Big Bite, a bag of chips, and a Big Gulp for three bucks. Maybe this deal has been around for ages but I just went Magellan on its ass, so it’s new to me. I usually get this for lunch two or three times a week. Every time I get the Big Bite, I ask the same question. How long has that hot dog been out?

Each time, I inevitably get the same response after a moment of hesitation: ‘Bout an hour.

Every time, same answer. Doesn’t matter how long the hot dogs have really been out. Doesn’t even matter if there’s evidence to the contrary:

Excuse me 7-11 guy, how long have these been out?

‘Bout an hour.

Yes, you said that last time, but the second one from the left doesn’t look fresh at all.

No, it’s very fresh. Made it an hour ago myself.

What about this one over here? It has a date stamp with last Monday’s date on it. And another stamp that says “Expiration date,” then underneath that, “Eh, whenever.”

Nope. Also been out for an hour.

This one over here is dressed in a Confederate soldier uniform, a Confederate flag, a tiny bayonet, and a sign on its bun that says, “I fought at Antietam.” This hot dog is literally from the 1860’s.

Probly just made a day trip to Gettysburg.

Sir, that hot dog in the corner has a sign over it that says, “Woolly Mammoth Meat.” You cannot sit here and tell me that this hot dog, fashioned from the meat of an ancient, long extinct mammal, has been cooked in the last 60 minutes.

Eh, it’s probly just imitation woolly mammoth meat.  Should be fine.

But I always accept it, no questions asked. You know why? Because eating questionable meat from a questionable chain of convenience stores lets me know I’m alive. 

My advice to you: go get a big bite from 7-11 and live a little. Unless you’re a punk bitch.

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