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Ask Dr. McConaughey

April 20, 2009

With the blog in need of a relationship and dating expert, I figured who better to give relationship and dating advice than ladies man and Hollywood heartthrob Matthew McConaughey? With a new film coming out this month, Matt was ready to dish all the dating advice the readers could handle, so I’ll let him take it away.

Hopeless in Hawaii writes: Dr. McConaughey! I am a huge fan of all your films. My situation kind of mirrors one of your films. See, my boyfriend is a great guy with a heart of gold, but he stills lives with his parents. How can I convince him to grow up and take responsibility for his life and overcome his Failure to Launch?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, so I got this movie coming out called Ghosts of Girlfriends Past. I play this dude who’s too cool to settle down in a relationshp, so I’m real chill when it comes to commitment. Then Michael Douglas shows up and tells me some ghosts are going to visit me, and they do, and then it has a happy ending at the end man. Jennifer Garner’s in it man and she has a truly bodacious heinie, man. Not to mention a world class rack. But the thing that’s kinda cool about this is that it’s like the Charles Dickens movie about Ebenezer Scrooge man. It’s just like A Christmas Carol, if A Christmas Carol was a horrific romantic comedy. You might as well call this movie A Guy With Great Abs Shits on Charles Dickens, man.

Dedicated in Delaware writes: Matthew – been a huge fan for years. My girlfriend wants to see other people, but I’m ready to settle down with her. What should I do?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, the best part about this is that Michael Douglas is in this, man. I remember one time when I first moved to LA, I got baked and watched Falling Down one night. At first it was a trip, but then it freaked me out, man. I ended up getting naked, putting on a robe and hiding in my closet with a baseball bat til like 4 in the morning, man. I was so high, I thought Michael Douglas was going to bust down my front door and kick your boy’s keyster around the apartment. It was crazy man. I had to eat two whole jars of peanut butter to calm down, man. Then I spent the next four hours deflating a beach ball and just staring at it in wonderment.

Perplexed in Providence writes: Matthew, I need your help. Can you explain Bernoulli’s Principle?

Dr. McConaughey writes: Alright, alright, alright, I certainly can mi amigo. Bernoulli’s principle deals with the flow of liquids and gases. It states that an increase in the speed of a fluid occurs simultaneously with a decrease of in the fluid’s potential energy, man. It’s similar to the principle of conservation of energy whereas the sum of kinetic energy and potential energy remain constant. I wrote my thesis on it back in the day, man, at Oxford. It’s very interesting stuff. If you drew out the equation, it would look something like this, man:

Now, the important thing to remember here is, liquids are not able to reach negative pressure, so the principle is not valid before zero pressure is reached. This is so critical to understanding the principle. If you ignore that crucial fact, it could throw a serious kink into any future equations you may try to compute. It did for me until I fully grasped the concept, man.

Like I said, I could go on all day about it, but I have to jet. I’ve got to go take my shirt off and walk around outside holding that baby that I bought when my agent told me it would look good if I had a kid.

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