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Smug Microwave Popcorn

March 24, 2009

I went to microwave some popcorn the other day. I always have to check the instructions on the bag to see how long I should put it in because I have more important things to remember than how long to cook popcorn.

Turns out the instructions copped an attitude with me. It informed me that I had to stay and listen to the corn pop rather than just set a time. I resent the fact this bag anticipates my negligience towards the popcorn I’m trying to make. Treating me like I’m some deadbeat dad shirking my responsibilities. “You don’t want to stick around and listen to the bag pop? Fine! Fine! Just put it in for ten minutes an abandon it, just like you did with everything else in your life!!!

The bag goes on to say that under no circumstances should I use the popcorn button. Now, the popcorn button was obviously created for heating up popcorn in the microwave. That’s why it exists. Do you have any idea how devastating that must be to the guy who came up with that idea? Here’s a guy who probably made his name on popcorn. I’m guessing he worships it. He dedicated his career to developing a technology that prepares it perfectly. And here you have the very makers of this product smugly turning their back on this button. How is he supposed to resume his career? How is he supposed to face his wife and kids?

What did I do at work today, honey? Oh, I’m glad you asked. I got shit on the Jiffy Pop Corporation! God, how could I be so stupid! I wish I’d done this before I named my first born Kernel!

Not every food gets a button on the microwave, so you’d think the suits over at Big Popcorn would be a little more grateful for their place on the keypad. Might as well send the microwave manufacturers a picture of Orville Redenbacher pointing to his crotch and flipping the bird.

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