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Introducing My New NCAA Basketball Correspondent

March 15, 2009

The NCAA tournament starts on Thursday. I think it’s the single greatest sporting event going today. To cover the tournament for my blog, I’ve signed former CBS analyst Billy Packer on as a correspondent. Packer is one of the most respected commentators in the business, so this is a major coup for me. I even called a press conference to announce the signing. Here’s a transcript of what went down:

MIKE: Thanks so much for joining us here today, everyone. I’m thrilled to announce that Understated Stupidity’s chief NCAA basketball correspondent will be none other than William Packer. We’re going to open this up for questions, but first Billy would like to make a statement. Here he is everyone, Billy Packer. Billy?

(Applause)

BILLY: Thank you, Mitchell. I’m excited to be here. It’s been a long season, and I’m excited to be back where I belong. Everyone asks me: Billy, how did you keep busy during the season? I found that question to be rather insulting. I mean, it’s not like I stayed home every night watching basketball in a wifebeater and boxers, eating peanut butter straight from the jar with a spoon. I’ve got a lot going on, including an endorsement deal for a new product I’d like to tell you about.

Like George Foreman with his grill, I have lent my name to an exciting new kitchen appliance. Everyone who’s ever worked with me knows I have a notorious sweet tooth. Often during games I would make Jim Nantz go to the concession stand to get me a chocolatey treat! For my money, one of the best ways to enjoy chocolate is to experience the wonder that is fondue. So it’s with this in mind that I introduce to you my new fondue set – the FudgePacker!

I’m glad everyone is laughing out of excitement for this new and great product.

The FudgePacker isn’t like other fondue kits. The FudgePacker gets more fudge in there than any other fondue set, and it gets it in there nice and tight. Please stop laughing; I’m glad you’re excited but calm down so I can give everyone a demonstration. I brought this banana today to dip into the Fudgepacker. Again, why is everyone laughing still? What I do is, I take the banana, and I ram it up in there. Then it packs in the fudge so it’s got nowhere to go but directly on the banana.

I don’t understand why you are laughing so hard.

Like I said before, I am famous for my sweet tooth. In fact, people have called me a FudgePacker for years. A few years back, three or four Arizona fans cornered me outside a tourney game and yelled out, “Hey, FudgePacker!” I was pretty surprised that even they knew about my love for the cocoa bean. I remember one time Clark Kellogg, that no good snake-in-the-grass who replaced me on CBS, said into his microphone, “Let’s hear what that bald asshole FudgePacker has to say about this game.” While I didn’t respect the “bald asshole” part, I could at least laugh at the fact that he was using the nickname so many of my friends have for me. I’m glad everyone finds this so amusing. These are rather comical anecdotes.

The reason I’m so excited about the FudgePacker is that it’s a gift the whole family can use. You get the kids, the aunts, the uncles, and the cousins in the kitchen around Christmas time, and you can everybody in the family take part in some good old fashioned FudgePacking. You can have as many as seven or eight family members at once packing fudge into the FudgePacker. I remember last year, we can out of things to dip into the FudgePacker, so I just jammed my whole fist into the FudgePacker and ate the fudge straight off my hand! I have to admit, using my fist was just a way to impress my grandkids. Sir? In the front row? Stop laughing. You can even get creative with what you stick into the FudgePacker. The FudgePacker can take just about anything you can shove into it. Feel free to experiment. Anything goes.

Please stop laughing. I fail to see what is so funny about this announcement.

So there you have it everyone. CBS may think I’m obsolete, but I’m determined to use this FudgePacker to get back into the limelight. When people think NCAA Tournament, they’re going to think about Billy Packer, elbow deep in fudge!

What is everyone laughing at?

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