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The End Is Nigh

March 2, 2009

Look out your window. If you’re on the east coast of the United States, you’ll realize that Armageddon is upon us. A snowfall that began Sunday has covered the DC Metro area, and everybody is freaking out. Schools are closing, government offices are shutting down, and nature’s bedlam is collectively dick-slapping our peaceful society. That being said, if you think by some miracle we’re all going to make it out of this clear cut sign of the apocalypse, here are some helpful Do’s and Don’ts for dealing with a snowstorm:

* DO stock up on non-perishable canned goods before the storm. DON’T mug an old woman for the last can of Beefaroni.

* DO clear all the ice and snow off the roof of your car. DON’T throw it all into the street and then spray the pile with your hose in order to “teach your neighbors a lesson.”

* DO make an adorable snowman with the neighborhood children. DON’T give him snow-genitalia.

* DO help your older neighbors shovel their snow. DON’T ridicule them for being physically unable to do what you can while flexing and winking like Patrick Bateman.

* DO While you can call your local radio stations for news on school cancellations. DON’T call the elementary school to request Foghat.

DO invite your girl over to spend your snow day sipping hot chocolate and watching movies in your pajamas. DON’T force her to watch Hellboy II, and then after she doesn’t like it, berate her for not fully appreciating the dramatic quality of the Hellboy series. Also, DON’T crumble a Snickers bar into a mug of warm water and expect her to think it’s Swiss Miss.

* DO feel free to spend the day in your pajamas. If they’re pajamas with feet, DON’T expect to ever get laid.

* DO watch the Weather Channel for frequent updates; DON’T start dropping meteorology lingo into everyday conversations. Like: Excuse me, waiter? I understand that the chef must be feeling a lot of barometric pressure on a busy night like this, but you think I could get some salmon that isn’t half-cooked? Thank you. When you come back I’ll explain to you what a jet stream is.

* DO work from home if you can’t make it into the office; feel free to treat your living room as if it was your work space. On the flip side of that coin, if you get snowed in at work, DON’T sit at your desk eating Honey Nut Cheerios with no pants on.

* DO dress more comfortably than you normally would when you venture out into the storm; long johns and sweatpants are appropriate. DON’T use it as an excuse to break out your flannel assless chaps.

* DO put salt on the sidewalk in front of your house. DON’T throw it into the eyes of your opponent. Note: This advice applies to Mr. Fuji only.

* DON’T take the day off of work, drink excessively, and dive naked into the snow, proclaiming yourself as “King of the Arctic.”

There is no DO that goes with that one.

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