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Redskins Sign Albert Haynesworth

February 27, 2009

The Washington Redskins signed DT Albert Haynesworth early Tuesday morning. Once I found out about the news, I immediately contacted my good friend Vinny Cerrato, the Skins VP. He was nice enough to do an interview with me over the phone:

MIKE: Congratulations on signing one of the top defensive players in the league.

VINNY CERRATO: Thank you. We’re all excited.

MIKE: Despite his talent, Haynesworth does have some issues, including his weight and work ethic. How do you respond to his doubters?

VC: Hey, there’s no question he’s not perfect. We feel he’s worth the investment. Sure, he’s got his flaws: he was in a contract year, he stepped on that guy one time, he’s 8 months pregnant, but we feel the reward is worth the risk.

MIKE: What did you say?

VC: He was in a contract year?

MIKE: No, the other thing.

VC: He stepped on that g-

MIKE: The last thing! He’s 8 months pregnant? I thought he was just fat.

VC: Oh yeah. Well, that is an issue. I know the fans are worried, but we look at it this way: he’ll have the baby by the time the season starts. By the time opening day rolls around, the kid might be walking. Secondly, as his new team, we plan to take full responsibility for this child. It may not be ours, but the Washington Redskins will fully support the child that Albert is currently carrying. So the fans don’t have to worry about that.

MIKE: Some critics say the Redskins spend too much. Your answer?

VC: Oh, that’s fine. People can criticize us giving DeAngelo Hall $54 million. They can laugh at us giving Albert $100 million. They can scoff at us buying Albert’s baby a solid gold crib and bottle, but the bottom line is that we are fiscally responsible. Just because we like to spend money on free agents doesn’t mean we’re economic morons.

MIKE: Final question: who are you going to sign to replace Marcus Washington at linebacker?

VC: A scarecrow made of money.

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