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Unfortunately, Money Is Now a Thang

February 24, 2009

Jay Z here. You know, I may be one of the richest entertainers in the world, but it doesn’t mean I’m not fiscally responsible. As a public figure, and as a role model, I feel it’s my duty to bring this message to all my adoring fans: given the current economic situation in this country, I’m sad to say that unfortunately, money is now a thang.

There was a time when it was fashionable to drive my Ferrarri or Jaguar across every available lane on the highway, bellowing out the proclamation that money was not a thang. That was until I attempted to plan a vacation to Disney World. I wanted to take my wife for five days and four nights. When I entered the whole thing into Orbitz, the price that came back was exorbitant. Absolutely ridiculous.

This recession has been difficult on everyone, but I feel that I can apply my abilities as a G to saving cash. For instance, just the other day, while I was flexing the Rol and signing a check for your ho, I also took a minute to clip a coupon for fabric softener. If you buy in bulk, you’d be shocked at how much you can save. It’s nice to buy expensive drinks for the world’s most exotic and beautiful women, but it’s just as gangster to save $3 on some Tide.

My good friend Jermaine Dupri summed up our life best when he said that, My cake thick, I live the life/Eatin’ crab, watching bitches shake shit all night. Those were the days, but you have to adapt. Like now, maybe my cake isn’t as thick, and we aren’t living the life, but we make due. Maybe now I cut corners by eating imitation crab meat. Also, I can watch bitches shake shit until around 11:15. After all, I need to get to bed early so I’m fresh when I wake up for my 9-5 temp job I had to take on to pay my car insurance.

There was a time when I didn’t like anything that didn’t gleam clean. I’d go into a restaurant like Morton’s, look at the lobster or steak and shout out, “To hell with the price!” Now? When I go to Cheesecake Factory, I usually just get the nachos. And I make sure to ask them not to include chicken, because chicken is like, 3 dollars extra.

Now I know what it must have been like to be a rapper during the Great Depression.

The way I look at it, for the common man, money has been a thang for years now. Not everyone drinks Cristal, drives hummers, and spends their days lounging by the pool. For a father of four working in an office somewhere, money has definitely always been a thang. The only difference now is that for multimillionaire rappers, money is also a thang for us too. Just the other day I saw Snoop Dogg putting a gigantic gold chain on layaway. That’s what I call a chain reaction.

Everyone needs to buckle down and work a little harder to get this country back on top. Am I telling you to sell drugs? No. You see, Hov did that, so hopefully you wouldn’t have to go through that. Alsol, the drug game is not that stable. Right about now, getting a cushy government job makes a lot more sense than selling crack out of your basement. Selling rock is flat-out impractical.

In the long run, I think this recession will be a good thing. Us rappers needed to scale it back a little bit. For example, my typical night of entertainment includes courtside seats at a Nets game, bottle service at New York’s finest night clubs, and a harem of strippers and exotic dancers having a late night orgy in a hot tub at the Plaza Hotel. Now it’s just me and Beyonce catching a movie. Usually the matinee.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to buy some guns in bulk.

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