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What’s the Deal with Octuplets?

February 9, 2009

Controversy surrounds the fertility clinic that allowed a mother to give birth to octuplets. Questions are being raised as to whether it was ethically responsible to facilitate such a dangerous birth for a mother already struggling to support six children. Here to comment on the investigation is an octopus who would really like to adopt, but is not allowed to because he’s an octopus:

When I read about this lady having eight kids when she already had six of her own, I just about ejected ink everywhere. I could not believe it. Giving birth to octuplets when you’re unemployed is the very definition of irresponsibility. Bringing children into this world when you’re unprepared is a very risky proposition. Especially when they’re are so many loving, caring individuals out there who want to adopt. Individuals who can’t have children because of infertility, bad luck, or the fact that they’re an ocean-dwelling animal that looks like an evil space monster.

Having kids is not easy. This lady should know because she already deals with six of them. That would be enough to drive anybody insane. She has 14 kids and only two arms. Ideally, she could find somebody who could hold every single one of her octuplets at once, to show each one an equal amount of attention.

I understand that placing your children in foster care can be scary. Foster homes and orphanages are intimidating places. You show up and everyone looks at you funny. They say things like, “We don’t feel you’re fit to be a parent at this time,” or, “You can’t have any of these children; you’re an octopus,” or my favorite, “For the love of God, somebody kill this thing! How did it get onto dry land? Call for help.” Stuff like that.

The most unbelievable part about this is that this lady is unemployed. She popped out all these little ones without finding a job. Normally, I would blast her for this with a metaphorical ink jet of reprimands, but I have to hold my tongue on this one. I have firsthand knowledge of how tough the job market is right now, especially with the economy. Nobody is hiring. Of course, I cannot get a job because everytime I try to type at a computer, I end up bashing the keyboard into pieces with my gigantic tentacles. Also, I cannot survive outside my natural habitat for more than a few minutes at a time, so I must complete all my assigned duties submerged in a tank of ocean water.

Recently, I’ve heard that scientists are saying infant mortality rates are on the rise, because people are putting their children in danger when they sleep in the same bed as them. I’m torn on the subject. On one hand, I believe parents should be able to rest next to their children. On the other hand…..again, eight giant tentacles. I haven’t taken a look at the figures on octopus infant mortality rates, but I’d imagine it would be pretty high. You know, what with the tentacles and all. But again, I’d have to look at the figures.

The bottom line is, all of us want different things. Some want to have 14 kids. Others want to push eight strollers down the aisle at the market. It all depends on your perspective. In my opinion, this lady is a nutjob. And also in my opinion, I think the government should get more lax when it comes to cephalopod adoption. Otherwise they better give me my money back for all these cribs and bonnets that I bought last week.

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