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Sign Up For the Dark Lord’s Mailing List

January 28, 2009

When it comes to social networking friend requests, I don’t discriminate. I will accept pretty much anyone who I’m reasonably sure isn’t spamming me. My online background checks are the opposite of thorough; I figure the reason you’re on Facebook or MySpace is to connect with as many people as possible.

But every once in awhile there’s a particular person who can make me question my lack of a screening process.

Apparently, one girl who requested me as a friend happens to dabble in devil worship. I blindly accepted her before I checked out her page. She sent out a bulletin urging everyone she knew to check out some of her info. I assumed she was trying to convince me to believe what she believed in.

Which led to the ultimate question, which is creepier: MySpace or devil worship?

On one hand, devil worship needs no introduction: you’re dedicating your life and all your beliefs to pure evil. But in the world of social networking, MySpace is the worst. It’s the playground of thirteen year olds and the To Catch a Predator contestants who chase them.

MySpace is the Internet’s Vice President of creepiness.

Trying to convince me to worship the devil is hard enough in and of itself. Why make the request even weirder? That’s a steep hill you’re trying to climb, and you’re just making it steeper. Even other devil worshippers think MySpace is sketchy. “Dude, why are you using MySpace? What do you think we are, child molesters? I just want to hail Lucifer over here, I’m not trying to stalk my ex-girlfriend.”

They can’t have a successful conversion rate via email. If they really want to attract more followers, shouldn’t they be giving away free stuff? When I was at Virginia Tech, the credit card predators gave you all kinds of useless clothing before they boned you in the long-run. If I’m going to commit my life to Satan, at least let me get a navy blue shirt that says COLLEGE for my trouble. A keychain with horns on it, maybe a beer cozy with Hitler and Ted Bundy’s face on it, something.

Satanism has to be a tough sell. You have to have a shitty life to worship the devil. Think about it. No CEO of a Fortune 500 Company has ever taken up devil worship. “Our stocks are through the roof, so I guess now is as good a time as any to tell you that I’ve had a pentagram tattooed on my ass.” Have you ever heard of an MLB, NFL, or NBA player going for Satan? Dwayne Wade is rich enough that he could waterski using two human beings as his waterskis…..you think he’s taking some time to brush up on his Wiccan literature and pierce his entire face?

I’ll tell you a big reason why I could never join that party. I think that there is a God. Well, I think there is something. I’m not very religious, but like anyone, I try to be a decent person, and I’m convinced that some kind of higher power exists in this universe. Here’s the thing: I feel like even athiests have to admit that there’s a chance that God exists. Maybe you don’t believe in God, but you have to acknowledge the possibility of a God, or a higher being. And that’s why I’m not down with the devil: because for all I know, God is nothing but a human construct that has never existed…..

But there’s always that chance.

If there’s a heaven and a hell, I could see God letting atheism slide. As long as an atheist was a good person at the core, I can see God looking the other way on some non-belief. But what if you die, and you have to stand in front of a bunch of archangels with a shaved head and horns tattooed behind your ears? You won’t be shooting darts with Gandhi anytime soon, that’s for sure.

One thing I thought was funny about this girl’s bulletin: she had an advertisement for her weekly podcast called Satanism Today. First of all, I think it’s funny that apparently there are enough changes made to Satanism that we would require weekly updates on its progress. Secondly, you have to give Satanists credit for embracing new technology. MySpace, podcasts….can’t wait to see what they come up with next: Hey Satan fans, follow all our goat sacrificings on Twitter!

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