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History in the Making

January 19, 2009

Host of MSNBC’s Hardball, Chris Matthews, writes in with his take on this Tuesday’s inauguration:

Washington, D.C. is buzzing with excitement over the inauguration of Barack Obama. But there’s more to be excited about this week. Much more. Not only have we clearly elected the man who will become the greatest president of all time, but President Obama’s election to the highest office in the land is clear evidence that someone has invented some kind of time machine. After all, that is the only way that Martin Luther King, Jr. and Abraham Lincoln would have been able to conceive their love-child that is Barack Obama.

I don’t know much about Obama’s parents; every time I sit down to do research on the man I end up furiously masturbating. But from hearing the man speak, I can definitely tell something about his lineage. The man comes from noble stock. He couldn’t have been the product of two everyday American people. The only logical conclusion after witnessing the greatness that is Barack Obama is that two great Americans must have sired him. Specifically, the man who did more for the black cause in this country than anyone, and a president who wore a top hat and a funny beard.

Time travel has been a long sought after ability for the human race, and apparently we have perfected the technology. Not only that, but you could also deduce that we figured out a way for two men to have a baby together. I don’t know what amazing scientist came up with this new technology, but I’m glad he did.

I imagine the scientist’s journey brought him first to Memphis in the 50’s. Kidnapped MLK. Then I’m sure he went to back to the 1860’s, talked with Honest Abe, and explained our county‘s dire situation. I’m sure he told him that because of that idiot Bush, now everyone was poor, hungry, and rioting in the streets. Then he put forth his modest proposal: have sex with this civil rights leader from 100 years in the future in order to help America 150 years after you’re dead.

Then I imagine this scientist setting up a romantic dinner for the 16th president and Mr. King. Candles, rose petals, the works. I can see him going to the grocery store to get London Broil, red potatoes, and maybe carrots and broccoli, or something like that. Since he’s a scientist, I imagine he doesn’t know how to cook, so maybe later he burns all the food and has to order out. I imagine him getting in a fight with the delivery guy once it gets there because he ordered chicken, not fish. I envision him getting really nervous that Martin and Abe will realize he ordered out, but by that time they’re so in love with each other that it’s impossible for anything he did to screw this up.

Perhaps the two had an argument over who had to be the Mom. I can imagine the scientist sitting the two down to explain them his complicated machine he’s built to allow men to carry children. Once they fail to grasp that concept, I think he’ll show them the Schwarzenegger movie Junior. Then I can see him explaining the DVD to both of them, and the concept of television and movies to Lincoln. After that’s cleared up, maybe they hold a rock-paper-scissors competition to decide who has to carry the child.

This might sound far-fetched to some, but I really can’t think of another reasonable explanation for how we got the gift of Obama. The only other way I can think of is that the same time machine guy got Jesus and Gandhi together and he was their baby, but I think we all can agree that is patently ridiculous.

Moving forward, this can only help us better understand Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln was the country’s second greatest president of all time. (second, of course, to Barack Obama). But we have always craved to know more about this great man. Now we can know that since genetic traits are passed down, Lincoln was somewhat arrogant, enjoyed pick-up basketball games, smoked, was a senator from Illinois, had two black children and a black wife, and whenever members of his staff could possibly be implicated in pay for play scandals, he simply had his staff issue a report clearing his own staff of all wrongdoing.

It makes sense that Obama would be such a great speaker. After all, one of his parents was the third greatest public speaker of all time (behind Obama and Tony Robbins, who saved my life). He’s such a good speaker that it makes me think perhaps JFK was involved in this conception somehow. Maybe the scientist figured out a way for a child to have three parents, all of them male? It’s definitely possible. If a guy can figure out a way to build a time machine and get two of the world’s most important men ever to have sex and procreate, he damn sure won’t have a hard time talking JFK into a three-way.

Tuesday will be an historic, landmark event. It warms my heart to know that our country has elected its first black president. But I can’t help but wonder that perhaps a more amazing milestone has been achieved. Obama’s election represents a feat not just for social purposes, but for scientific ones as well. His election is a culmination of the dreams of Malcolm X, that creepy guy with the wispy mustache who had a baby a couple months back, and Doc Brown, come together as one. I hope to one day sit back as an old man and tell my grandparents – “Yes, I knew President Barack Obama. He was the world’s first all-male, three-way baby made from three important historical figures.”

And I will shed a tear.

Because, you know….I’ll think of how bad I wish I could have a baby with Obama.

Oh and also, I realize that I said I wanted to “sit back as an old man and tell my grandparents,” about Obama, but that wasn’t a typo. By the time I’m 80 I’d like to be able to afford a time machine myself.

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