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Exercise Your Mitten Option

January 9, 2009

I’m sitting next to this girl on the metro last night. She’s wearing a pair of hobo gloves (gloves with the fingers cut off). Phil Collins wore a pair of these when he played a bum in the video for That’s All. On the back of this girl’s glove, there was a little flap that you could fold over your fingers, turning them into mittens.

I had to ask her: if you had the ability to make your gloves into mittens, why wouldn’t you do it?

It’s cold. You got a perfectly good mitten, right there. It’s not like mittens are some kind of revolutionary scientific achievement or anything, but they’re well known to preserve heat better than regular gloves. The whole point of the mitten, along with making your hands resemble those of Oswald Cobblepot, is to harness your body heat. And you want to ruin that with an incomplete glove? Am I missing something? Go for the mittens, baby.

I guess the better question would be: what is so advantageous about having gloves with finger holes in them? You’re defeating the purpose of having gloves in the first place. They’re making it harder for the glove to do its job. I bet there’s been more than one dissatisfied guy returning a pair of fingerless gloves to the store he bought them from, yelling to anyone who will listen, “These things wouldn’t keep shit warm.” No kidding. You’re intentionally sabotaging the glove. That would be like having a boat and cutting a whole in the bottom, or signing Stephon Marbury to play for your basketball team.

Are you just hard up to look like a bum? Are you going to carry your stuff in a bag tied to a pole over your shoulder? Plan on huddling around a fire in a trash can? I shouldn’t knock it until I’ve tried it. Maybe it’s fun to be a stowaway on a box car.

The fact that fingerless gloves even have a mitten-flap is an admission of weakness. It’s the fingerless glove inventor’s way of saying: I messed up; the mitten is the superior glove. Let’s compromise by making this ridiculous looking and impractical mitten/hobo glove hybrid.

The weirdest part about this girl’s gloves were that on the mitten flap, there was nothing there to cover the thumb. It basically left the thumb flailing out there in the cold, on its own. I wonder if the guy who invented the hobo mitten had his thumbs blown off in a war, or something, and this was the only way he could get revenge on all the people who made fun of his weird, four-fingered hands.

“In the land of the thumb-less mittens, the man with no thumbs is king! The thumbed among us will never know the torment I’ve felt, as my two favorite things to do are hitchhike and criticize movies.”

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