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NFC Playoff Preview From a Guy Who Always Gets His Penis Caught in a Bear Trap

January 4, 2009

Hey there everybody! The NFL playoffs are here, and today I’m going to break down all the teams in the NFC. Unfortunately, I have so many errands that I have to write this column on my lap top while I’m out running around. I just had to drop my pants off at the laundromat, and now I’m at the hunting store. Luckily, I know the guy who owns the place, so he doesn’t mind me browsing the hunting gear with my pants off.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
RECORD: 9-6-1
The Eagles enter the postseason on an incredible hot streak, and I see no reason why it can’t continue. Donovan McNabb is….wait a minute….what is this beautiful contraption? It looks like metallic shark teeth, or something of that nature. Isn’t that something? I suppose I’ll just place it down here, on this lower shelf near my mid-section.

Where were we? Ah yes, the Eagles. Well, as long as Brian Westbrook AHHHH! DEAR GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME! I JUST GOT MY PENIS CAUGHT IN A BEAR TRAP! OH MY GOD DOES THIS HURT! SOMEONE HELP! FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST, I NEED HELP!

ATLANTA FALCONS
RECORD: 11-5
AHHHHH! THIS IS HORRIBLE. IT CAUGHT A LITTLE OF MY BALLS TOO, I THINK. GOD, THIS PAIN IS EXCRUCIATING. IT FEELS LIKE A DENTIST IS PERFORMING 8 ROOT CANALS AT ONCE ON MY DICK.

ARIZONA CARDINALS
RECORD:
10-6
MAYBE, IF I FOCUS ALL MY ENERGY AWAY FROM THIS UNFORTUNATE OCCURRENCE, I CAN FINISH THIS PREVIEW…..OKAY….HERE IT GOES…..FUCKING KURT WARNER IS A GREAT QUARTERBACK WITH AWESOME RECEIVERS WHO HOLY FUCK CAN ANYONE WHO WORKS HERE HELP ME?

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
RECORD: 10-6
SERIOUSLY, THERE ISN’T ONE PERSON BEHIND THE COUNTER WHO’S EVER SEEN SOMETHING LIKE THIS HAPPEN? MAN, YOU WORK AROUND BEAR TRAPS FOR A LIVING. YOU’RE TELLING ME YOU HAVE NO EXPERIENCE HELPING GUYS WHO GET THEIR PENISES CAUGHT IN ONE OF THESE THINGS? GUESS YOU’RE JUST AN AMATEUR THEN. ALL I KNOW IS IF I MANAGED ONE OF THESE STORES, I’D MAKE SURE ALL THE EMPLOYEES TOOK A CLASS IN HOW TO FREE DUDE’S DICKS OUT OF BEAR TRAPS, BUT I GUESS I’M OLD FASHIONED LIKE THAT. THAT’S WHY I WOULD MAKE A GREAT BEAR TRAP STORE MANAGER AND YOU ARE WHERE YOU ARE. YOU’LL PROBABLY END UP ON FRY DUTY AT WENDY’S, YOU JAG OFF.

CAROLINA PANTHERS
RECORD: 11-5
THE THING I’M STARTING TO GET WORRIED ABOUT IS IF YOU CAN EVEN REATTACH A PENIS? CAN THEY USE THIS ONE, OR WOULD I GET A NEW ONE? THIS MIGHT PROVE TO BE A GOLDEN OPPORTUNITY, ACTUALLY. WHAT IF SOME GUY WITH A MONSTER POLE GETS HIT BY A TRUCK, AND ON HIS LICENSE IT SAYS HE’S AN ORGAN DONOR? THEN THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, I’M GETTING A BRAND NEW ROD THANKS TO THE FACT THAT NO ONE ELSE IN THE COUNTRY IS STUPID ENOUGH TO DANGLE THEIR PENIS AROUND A BEAR TRAP?

NEW YORK GIANTS
RECORD: 12-4
YOU’D THINK AT THIS POINT, AFTER HEARING A MAN SCREAM FOR FIVE TO TEN MINUTES, THAT SOMEONE WOULD HAVE CALLED AN AMBULANCE BY NOW. IT’D BE ONE THING IF IT WAS JUST INCOHERENT SCREAMING, BUT I’VE BEEN EXPLICITLY YELPING A DETAILED EXPLANATION OF MY PREDICAMENT TO YOU! IT’S AMAZING THAT I HAVE THE PRESENCE OF MIND TO ACTUALLY SHOUT OUT MY CURRENT AILMENT, BUT APPARENTLY IT’S ALL FOR NAUGHT AS NO ONE IS ANSWERING MY FRANTIC CALL.

PREDICTION: NOBODY’S GOING TO HELP ME? FAIR ENOUGH. LOOKS LIKE I’LL HAVE TO GALLOP DOWN THE STREET TO THE HOSPITAL, NO PANTS ON, WITH MY PENIS STUCK IN THIS BEAR TRAP. WISH SOMEONE HERE COULD AT LEAST LEND ME THEIR JEANS OR SOMETHING.

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