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It’s a Very Blumberg Christmas!

December 18, 2008

One of my best friends in the whole wide world is Chris Blumberg, a man who has written for this site many times. One of Chris’s favorite times of year is the Christmas season, and when he asked to write a guest blog detailing one of his favorite holiday recipes, I couldn’t say no. Take it away, CB:

A CHRISTMAS GUEST BLOG?!?!?!?! HOW GLORIOUSLY LAVISH! HOW UNSPEAKABLY EXTRAVAGANT! Anyone who knows me knows how I delight in the warm comforts of friends and family during the holiday season. I simply love this time of year. There is nothing like curling up with a mug of hot cocoa and my bear Fitchett in front of a roasting fireplace until I get nice and sweaty, after which I may venture out to my 24-hour gym at about 2 or 3 in the morning to hang out.

Christmas means a lot of things to a lot of people. Everyone has different customs, traditions, or foods that they associate with the season of Yule. Some even go so far as to invent their own traditions. I’m not ashamed to tell you, my friends, that is exactly what I have done.

I have crafted a dish I like to call “The Blumberg Peppermint Stocking Stuffer,” which no Christmas feels complete without. Today I’d like to pass along the magic to you and yours! Get out your notepads and by all means take copious notes.

The Blumberg Peppermint Stocking Stuffer
Ten peppermint candy canes
3 eggs
1/2 lb. of flour
1 cup of sugar
1 bag of Nestle’s Chocolate Chips
2 strapping young Latins

Ed. note: Wait….what?

A feather-tickler
A kiddie pool full of apple juice
A ladder
1 quart of 2% milk (Skim, if you’re dieting)
A ball gag
Catcher’s gear
Graham crackers
A Mexican wrestling mask
Cool Whip
and plenty of rope

Pour the flour, sugar, eggs, and milk into a mixing bowl. Stir into a fine batter. Pour this gooey concoction onto your bare chest. Fit the ball gag inside your mouth. Around this time, you should be ready for Hector and Guillermo to make their first appearance…..

Ed. note: Okay, I see where this is going, and I’m going to take this time to remind Chris and everyone else that this is a family-friendly blog that tends not to deal with mature themes. If anyone would like Chris’s recipe emailed to them, leave a comment below in the comments’ section and I’m sure we would be more than happy to oblige. Allright then, I think Chris should be done with the adult-themed portion of this blog, so….

….tying about four feet of rope around your left leg. Then, dip your face in what’s left of the batter. Around this time, Hector’s left forearm should be getting tired, so have him switch hands if need be. After he does that, take Guillermo’s left leg and swirl….

Ed. note: You know what? Let’s talk about Christmas, everybody! Uh, it’s only a week away, and….umm…..have you gotten all your shopping done? How about your tree, has that gone up yet? Let’s talk about Christmasy shit! Come on! Someone leave a comment in the comments’ section, or email me, or something.

… this point, your belly should be resting fully on the catcher’s mask. If you spread both arms out, you will be elevated off the ground. This is where the handcuffs come in. Have Guillermo bind your left foot to your right arm, then……

Ed. note: Uh what’s your favorite Christmas carol? I mean, there are so many good ones, right….so many that feature family fun. Good clean family fun! Like Deck the Halls. Nothing wrong with that song right there. Yep, nothing deviant about that song whatsoever. Let’s talk about that. Is he done already?

… now, if you twist it around one more time, it should be turning a deep shade of magenta. Don’t fret, as this means you’re doing it right…..

Ed. note: Umm, how exactly do you deck a hall, anyway, huh? What does that term even mean? Maybe I should have blogged about that, don’t you think? What are you gonna do, uh, punch the hallways in your house? Is that how you “deck” a hall? Huh? That’s a comical, clean observation, right? Somebody? Anybody?

…..this is where it becomes a challenge to see just how many candy canes you can fit in there. I’ve gotten all ten before, but it’s a rarity….

Ed. note: You know something else? Everybody sleeps on the fact that Christmas is Jesus’s birthday. But guess what? It is. Don’t forget about that this Christmas. That’s a very important thing that we all like to forget, but we should all honor the baby Jesus this holiday season. If you want to buy him a little present and leave it out with the cookies you put out for Santa, that might be a good thing for the kids to see. Just saying.

…..getting Hector all the way back into a crouching position won’t be easy, so you might need Guillermo to put down the camcorder at this point and lend a hand……

Ed. note: And I think we can all agree that peace on Earth should be number one on everybody’s wish list. I hope all the fighting stops, and we can all hold hands and sing songs and eat candy and for the love of Jesus, Chris are you done already?!?!

…….climb to the top of the ladder wearing the mask, shout out, “Viva La Rasa!” and leap into the kiddie pool. Make sure Hector and Guillermo are separated when you land. The resulting mess is what’s commonly known as the Blumberg Peppermint Stocking Stuffer.

There you have it! By all means use that recipe with your own family this holiday season. I don’t want any royalties, all I ask is that you refer to it by name.

Ed. note: Thanks for your contribution, Chris. If anyone has a simliar recipe they’d like to share, write it down a legal pad, and then burn it.

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