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Ruining the Grinch with Logistical Questions

December 16, 2008

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas is a true holiday classic. It’s so well-known that the term grinch has permeated into pop culture to define a person who doesn’t embrace the true meaning of Christmas. As in: “Man, the guy who robbed that liquor store is a real Grinch!”

There’s no doubt that the message behind the Grinch resonates with everyone. After all, who can’t relate to the story of a green, dog-like creature that lives in a mountain cave high above a bunch of tan dog-like creatures and decides to come down on Christmas Eve and steal all their stuff, but then gives it back after suffering from hypertrophy? I mean, they pulled that straight from the Bible, didn’t they?

Here are a couple of random thoughts on the Grinch I’d like you to consider:

* Who introduced Christianity to Who-ville? Was there a Who-prophet who brought the gospel to all the other Whos? I guess if you keep analyzing this one, you could get into a debate over how they got human houses and clothing also, so better to just let it lie.

* One of the scariest things I can remember as a little kid is when the Grinch smiles so that his face ends up looking like an onion. I hadn’t been exposed to Mussolini, Hitler, or Pol Pot yet, but even if I had, I would have identified that onion smile as the symbol of evil incarnate.

* Was there ever any kind of larceny charge filed against the Grinch? At least one Who had to take some kind of legal action. I know what you’re thinking – the stereotype is that all lawyers are Jewish, and there weren’t any Jews in Who-ville. To that I say: I can think of at least one Suessian character who most likely practiced Judaism and was well-versed in law.

* Is the Grinch the only one of his kind, and if not, are there Grinches with sunnier dispositions? It’s hard to imagine an entire species acting like they’ve got a hornet up their peehole. I’ve always assumed that Grinch was the name of the species and not the character. What was this particular Grinch’s name? Ken Grinch? Lou Grinch?

* Do you think the giant Who dining hall had a bulletin board had a sign that read, “WANTED: LITTLE WHO-CHEFS WHO CAN FIT INSIDE PLATTERS.”

* Imagine two Grinches doing it. That just blew your mind, didn’t it? Especially trying to envision the lady-Grinch.

* I’d like for everyone to consider the epic fail that is home security in Whoville. Not one Who took precautionary measures against a bulglary. If you ask me, they deserve what they got. Although I do wish there was a deleted scene where the Grinch gets shit-beat by some guy from ADT.

* How much time do you think the Grinch spent defecating on the Whos personal property? Half an hour? An hour?

* Lost in the fact that the Grinch lifted all the Who toys: the Whos had shitty toys. They looked like a bunch of oversized party favors that Willy Wonka would have used to torture Augustus Gloop. Although I can’t remember how many times during my childhood I said to my Pops, “I hope Santa brings me an electrowhocardioschnook. You know, one of those giant bikes that also has instruments for seven dudes to play on it while they ride.”

* Finally, they never really define what kind of beast constitutes the roast beast that Grinch carves for all the Who’s at the story’s end. I think the only appropriate ending is for it to be Grinch meat. The look on the Grinch’s face as he realized he’s eating his great uncle, and as all the Whos converge on him, would be priceless. It would be like the Wicker Grinch.

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