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That’s My Quarterback!

November 22, 2008

Allright. I gave him a shot. I did everything I could to like a guy that I was destined to hate. I’m here to tell you that it’s impossible.

Fuck Tony Romo.

ESPN reported that Romo took a homeless guy to a movie. That’s too much. Something is wrong with this guy. No one is that nice. No one could be in his position – quarterback for one of the NFL’s most recognizable teams – and continue to go out of his way to do nice things for people. Apparently now he’s Bill Murray in the last half-hour of Groundhog Day.

What does it say about our culture that a guy just going out and doing a couple of genuinely nice things for people gets his knob slobbed by the media like he’s the son of Jesus and Obama? Don’t get me wrong, what Romo did was pretty impressive. I know I wouldn’t take a bum to a movie. I’m not trying to get a lecture on the how many alien assfuckings he’s been on the receiving end of while I watch Quantum of Solace.

The point is that he gets extra points for doing this because he’s famous. There are people out there every day who do stuff like this – volunteer at kitchens, shelters, shit like that – who won’t get a mention on the news. But Romo takes one bum to a movie and he’s a hero. Famous people are expected to be assholes, so we put this guy on a pedestal for doing stuff that other people do all the time. I’m not knocking him for doing it; I’m just saying it’s sad.

On second thought, let’s knock him. I’ve gone on record saying that I like the guy. Not an easy thing to admit given that I loathe the Dallas Cowboys with all my soul. I hate Aikman, Irvin, Smith, T.O., Marion Barber….everyone. I’ve even found hate in my heart for Troy Hambrick. I’ll go so far as to say that what I hate about them most of all is their culture. They’re presume to be football royalty, as if they’re the Yankees of the NFL. They’re not even close. They have a misplaced sense of contempt for the fans of all other teams, as if Jay Novacek invented the game. If you look closely, you’ll see that their reputation was earned for them by two men – Tom Landry and Jimmy Johnson. They won one Super Bowl a year after Johnson left, sure, but with Johnson’s guys. Ever since they handed the keys to Jerry Jones, they’ve had a string of awful coaches with a side of with piss-poor player development. And their playoff and regular season records in the last thirteen years reflect that. No one in the league coasts on quite as much unearned street cred as the Dallas Cowboys. The only thing worse than an arrogant prick is the arrogant prick who has no reason to be arrogant.

Even taking all of that into account, I’m telling you, Romo checks out. He doesn’t come off like a prick in interviews, he competes hard, and he’s got feel-good a story that you wouldn’t believe in a movie. He remains likable despite being the face of the nation’s most detestable and unattractive sports franchises. All that adds up to mean one thing: he HAS to have skeletons in his closet. It’s too perfect. There is a dead hooker somewhere in his past. I’m sure of this. If the Cowboys called a press conference tomorrow to announce that Romo went back in time and beat the shit out of Jonas Salk, preventing the polio vaccine from being invented, I wouldn’t be shocked at all.

Let’s be honest, if Tony Romo had been in the same situation as Michael Vick, he wouldn’t get half the bad pub. He just wouldn’t. I hate to play the race card here, because that’s on one hand it’s asinine – Vick deserved everything he got and should have his balls burned off in Hell for what he did – but if Romo got caught running dog fights, I would look forward to how the media spun it back to shine a positive light on him. Vick is easy to hate. Forget his color for a second, and remember that he was a shitty, arrogant quarterback who wanted no accountability for his actions. Of course no one jumped to his defense – he was the dog version of O.J. Do you realize how fast the media would jump to a help a guy like Romo if their golden boy got caught doing the same thing? “Uh, let’s be real here people – those dogs didn’t have to be there if they didn’t want to! You make a choice to make your dog living by dog fighting, and you have to live with that. Plus I’m sure Mr. Romo compensated those dogs fairly. Or maybe he was letting them solve a dispute. One of those pit bulls could have owed another pit bull money. We have no idea.”

Finally, I’m sure the bum got a real thrill out of going to a movie with an NFL QB, but shouldn’t he have been looking for some food? Movies should be way down there on his list of life priorities. I’m sure Changeling looks really compelling, but I’d be focused on owning a working toilet before I went to see it. I also understand that you can’t be picky when it comes to charity. But why not put the breaks on and say, “Ah no, Mr. Romo, I don’t want any popcorn. Uh….shelter. Shelter would be great right now.”

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