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A Massive A-Hole’s Take on CNN’s Hero of the Year

November 20, 2008

Over at CNN.com, you can vote for their so-called “Hero of the Year.” The candidates are eight run of the mill, average Joes who made a positive impact within their community. Take, for instance, Maria Ruiz, of El Paso, Texas. She crosses the border into Mexico weekly to bring food and clothes to needy children and their families. Or Maria de Silva, an LA-area nanny who runs a school for children orphaned by AIDS in her homeland of Malawi. Every person has done something noteworthy to help their fellow man. Aside from their respectable accomplishments, they all have one thing in common.

Not ONE of them is famous.

I understand that they’re good people, but HERO OF THE YEAR? Come on. When’s the last time any of them have made a movie, or hit a ball, or made a tackle? It’s ludicrous. I went ahead and threw together my own list of heroes, so let’s vote on one of these and send it to CNN. Then we’ll show CNN the power of democracy in action.

BATMAN
Do you understand the ramifications of what he did at the end of The Dark Knight? Basically, Batman is now wanted for murder. He took that on his shoulders because he knew he could handle it, plus he knew Gotham needed to believe in Harvey. So now he’s got Gordon and the entire MCU after him. That’s better than doing something trivial, like say, helping hurricane victims.

ELI MANNING
His case is strong. After having a mediocre regular season, against all odds he led the Giants to four victories in the playoffs, and orchestrated the game winning drive against the Patriots in the Super Bowl. You’re telling me that because he’s not a policeman, firefighter, or school teacher, that he shouldn’t be considered? Get out of town. Him throwing a fade to Burress over Ellis Hobbs is more heroic than anything a firefighter does on his best day.

TONY STARK
Notice: I did not say Iron Man. The man behind the suit is much more of a hero. He gets wasted, bangs models, and at the end of the day has time to go out and stop Jeff Bridges from taking over the world, or whatever he was trying to do. If Tony Stark wore a purple hat and a feather boa he couldn’t be more of a pimp. What’s more, he allows me to rationalize my impending alcoholism as a character-building trait. More people should model themselves after him. In elementary schools, when they take all the girls out to talk about their menstrual cycles, they should show all the boys the scene where he talks to the reporter outside his limo. The teacher should say, “Look kids, if you listen to one thing I say, listen to this: you should work to make yourself more like Tony. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home and install a stripper pole in a surprisingly offbeat location. My attic, perhaps.”

SHAWN RYAN
The creator of The Shield, which is my favorite non-comedic TV show of all time. The finale’s next week, and after the second-to-last episode, it looks like it will throw all other TV show finales under the bus. It’s going to make the Sopranos finale look like Two and a Half Men. And who do we have to thank for that? Shawn Ryan. This brilliant, wonderful, amazingly complex and tragic Shakespearean morality play was all created by one guy working with an awesome team of writers. Shawn Ryan carried The Shield around in his belly for nine months and gave birth to it. For that alone, he’s a hero. You have to figure it hurt his stomach to have Michael Chiklis and CCH Pounder fighting in there.

Cast your votes now – let’s show CNN that movies, TV, and sports are much more important than charity.

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