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Cowboys and Indian Racial Slurs

November 17, 2008

Romo reminds me of Obama. I don’t hate him, I just hate his team. He’s solid, but he hasn’t proven himself. And he’s fucking an idiot.” — my brother Greg, via text message, during the 2nd quarter of the Cowboys/Redskins game

Last night I watched the Cowboys beat the Redskins, 14-10. I watched the game with a bunch of friends, all of whom were either Cowboys or Skins fans. The fun of this is that I’m a Giants fan. Anyone who knows the NFL knows that not only are the Giants defending champs, they’re the best team in the NFL. So watching these two teams pump up their chests and try to knock each other over is like watching your two little brothers fight over a cupcake: you know that at any point you could enter the proceedings, smash them over the head, and eat it right in front of them.

In honor of the rivalry, I’m going to recap some of the high points of the Skins/Cowboys series in recent years:

1995: Emmitt Smith is confused when no one congratulates him for gaining 743 yards on the ground, until he’s told that he gained 89 yards and he can’t count.

1996: Troy Aikman is hit so hard, for a moment he is able to see into the future. He furrows his brow, rises to his feet, and yells, “One day I will be a shitty announcer!”

1997: Coach Norv Turner throws his red challenge flag on a questionable fumble call. When told by the officials that replay won’t be reinstated to the NFL for another few years, he challenges why they don’t have a time machine that will transport him to a time when he can challenge it. The referees challenge his challenge.

1998: Darrell Green returns an interception for a touchdown into his own end zone. He then rips off his Redskin jersey to reveal a Cowboys jersey, meaning he had been loyal to the Cowboys all along. He taunts the crowd and struts like a pro wrestler. Green is flagged, ejected, and players on both sidelines wonder what the fuck he’s doing.

1999: New owner Daniel Snyder sacrifices his first game as owner in order to teach his team about the true meaning of Christmas.

2001: Owners Dan Snyder and Jerry Jones decide to call off the game and settle their dispute with a dance-off. They slow dance at mid-field as thousands of disappointed fans file out.

2002: Cowboys quarterback Quincy Carter shows up to the field not in his uniform and pads, but in a coroner’s outfit. When the coaches ask him what’s going on, he says, “I’m Quincy….like from the show.” No one understands what he means, so Carter runs off the field yelling, “Show some respect for Jack Klugman, motherfuckers!”

2004: Joe Gibbs caught in the locker room before the game snorting coke.

2005: Santana Moss catches an unlikely game winning touchdown bomb to lead a Redskins comeback at the last second; Moss unzips his face to reveal that he was actually just Randy Moss wearing a Santana Moss suit.

2006: Chris Cooley and Jason Witten switch jerseys for an entire game. No one notices.

2007: Joe Gibbs again caught snorting coke off the ass of a Cowboy cheerleader.

2008: The Redskins win their last game at Texas Stadium when Tony Romo, concerned with the impending American financial crisis, plays like a turd out there.

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