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Understated Stupidity: The Movie

November 15, 2008

I’m happy to tell you guys that Paul Feingold, a big Hollywood so-and-so, came across my blog the other day, and he loved it. He’s bought the rights to bring my life story to the big screen. Understated Stupidity is set to hit theaters on Christmas 2010, with Scorsese to direct and Paul Haggis scripting. I got Paul on the phone for a quick Q&A with some details on the upcoming film (spoilers ahead!):

MIKE ELTRINGHAM: Paul, can you give the readers a little background on how this project was developed?

PAUL FEINGOLD: Certainly! One of my interns came across your blog one day and emailed me the link. I read it and just laughed and laughed! It was hilarious. But most importantly, I thought – you know, this guy seems like he has a story to tell. And that’s why I contacted you.

ME: Well, I appreciate that you did. Can you give me some details on what the movie’s going to be like?

PF: It’s an adaptation, so it’s not exactly true to life. But we feel like the script we’ve got will tell your story. It’s an action/comedy/drama/romance, with suspense, intrigue, and tons of laughs! It will be great. We don’t have our exact plot nailed down yet, but we know which characters we’re using.

ME: Do you have any actors?

PF: Yes. Wait until you hear this all star cast. As your mom and dad, we’ve got Glenn Close and Robert DeNiro.

ME: Glenn Close and Robert DeNiro! They’re amazing!

PF: For your brothers and sister we got Mark Wahlberg, Joaquin Phoenix, and Anne Hathaway.

ME: Whoa! Man, that is an all star lineup!

PF: For Daniel and Marques we got Leonardo DiCaprio and Brad Pitt. For your grandfather, we got Sean Connery. Hugh Jackman is playing Blumberg.

ME: This is amazing! That’s one of the best casts of all time!

PF: It really is. We’re excited. Tom Hanks and Denzel heard about the project and got so excited that they signed up to be extras just milling around. We’ve also got the Rock on board as Derek Jeter, Christian Bale as Frank Beamer, and Mickey Rourke as Chewbacca.

ME: Well, I don’t know how you’re going to afford paying all these actors. I’ve never seen so much star power packed into one movie. But wait a second…

PF: What’s that?

ME: I forgot to ask you this but….who’s going to play me?

PF: Oh, man. Get ready for this! To play you, Mike Eltringham, we have signed on the legendary, the amazing, the magnificent….

ME: Yes?

PF: Bob Hoskins!

ME: Oh, man, that’s awesome….wait, what?

PF: The great Bob Hoskins! He rounds out a legendary cast for the record books. We’re all very excited for the film. Production is set to start in February of ’09 in Chicago, and I can’t wait –

ME: You got Bob Hoskins to play me?

PF: That’s right. I can’t wait to see some footage, with Scorsese teamed up with Haggis, you know it’s going to be gold, baby, and –

ME: Dude, there is no resemblance between me and Bob Hoskins.

PF: Physically, that’s true. But we wanted someone who could pull off that everyman, no goodschlub look. And we think Bob personifies that.

ME: I’m a schlub?

PF: Bob had a great audition at what was a very heated competition. It went down to the wire, but ultimately, he was able to beat out DeVito for the roll.

ME: Wait a minute….so you’re telling me that in a movie about my life, Bob Hoskins won the role of me over equally stocky, short, and bald actor Danny DeVito?

PF: That is exactly right.

ME: Well, I think that sucks! I don’t want Bob Hoskins to play me!

PF: He’s an amazing actor, wait and see.

ME: No, I won’t wait and see! Bob Hoskins looks nothing like me, and I demand an explanation!

PF: You want an explanation? Fine! I owe Bob Hoskins $7,000, okay? I gave him this role to pay him back. It was my last chip I had to deal. He already banged my wife to account for the other 5 G’s I owed him.

ME: Really? How’d you get in the hole?

PF: Pyramid scheme.

ME: Ah.

PF: Well, I hope you understand. I still think the movie’s going to be great. We’re filming the underwater escape scene first, and I’m really looking forward to the chemistry between Hoskins and Rourke.

ME: Underwater escape? What? That never happened to me.

PF: You sure about that? I mean, how did you get away from that evil octopus that kidnapped you?

ME: What? What – do you know anything about me at all?

PF: Yeah man, and frankly – an evil octopus escape sounds better than anything in your shitty life. So don’t rag on me for making that up, I mean don’t rag on Paul Haggis for making that up.

ME: Paul Haggis didn’t write the script, did he?

PF: Paul Haggis didn’t write the script, no. I wrote it.

ME: And Scorsese’s not even attached to direct, is he?

PF: No.

ME: Are you even a movie executive? Is this one of my friends messing with me?

PF: Yeah, this is Daniel, man. I didn’t think the joke would go this far. The part about owing Hoskins money is true though. Can you help me? If I don’t get him the money by next week, he said he’s going to skullfuck me into an eternal nightmare.

ME: What does that even mean?

PF: I don’t know, but it sounds less than desirable.

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