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Movie Reviews from a Guy Who Always Gets His Penis Caught in a Bear Trap

November 11, 2008

I realized that for a blog so focused on pop culture and entertainment, it was borderline criminal for me not to employ a guy to give movie reviews. So I ask that you give your undivided attention to Understated Stupidity’s new resident movie critic – A Guy Who Always Gets His Penis Caught in a Bear Trap:

Hello all! I’m happy to be joining the Understated Stupidity family giving my opinions on all the latest motion pictures. The Christmas movie season is coming soon, and I can already feel it in the air. I’m typing this on my laptop, in the woods outside my house, with no pants on. I couldn’t think of a better time in which I’d like to tell you what films you should go see.

I’ll rate films on a scale of one to four stars. Let’s get on with the reviews:

ROLE MODELS
Starring Seann William Scott, Paul Rudd. R
A surprisingly filthy comedy, Role Models is about two slackers who get sentenced to a Big Brother-type program for community service. Both guys shine here as….wait a second…as I’m writing this, I just saw something shiny next to a tree over there. Looks like metal. I guess I’ll go check that out.

Hmm….doesn’t look like it’s anything. Well, I guess I’ll just stand near by it for awhile in case anyone else tries to take it. Anyway, the highlight of the film is the interaction between the children and the two leads. They have strong chemistry, and by the end of the film you AHHHHH! OH MY FUCKING GOD! IT’S A BEAR TRAP AND IT GOT MY….AHHH…OH MY GOD, MY PENIS IS CAUGHT IN THIS BEAR TRAP! SOMEONE HELP ME, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST! AHHHH! OH MY GOD THIS HURTS, IT HURTS SO BAD….SEEING BEAR TRAPS IN MOVIES COULD NOT EVEN PREPARE ME FOR THIS.
My Rating: 3 1/2 stars

QUANTUM OF SOLACE
Starring Daniel Craig, Dame Judi Dench. PG-13
THIS IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS WHERE YOU HEAR ABOUT IT, AND YOU THINK, “WELL, IT CAN’T BE AS BAD AS IT LOOKS,” AND IT IS! IT IS TEN TIMES WORSE THAN IT LOOKS! I AM IN SHEER AGONY RIGHT NOW! OH MY GOD….I SWEAR TO GOD, I DIDN’T EVEN REALIZE IT WAS A BEAR TRAP. IF I HAD, I WOULD HAVE NEVER TAKEN MY DICK WITHIN 50 FEET OF THIS THING. I THOUGHT IT WAS A CIVIL WAR MUSKET OR SOMETHING, WHICH MY UNCLE BENNY HAS A COLLECTION OF.
My Rating: 3 stars

FOUR CHRISTMASES
Starring Reese Witherspoon, Vince Vaughn. PG-13
AHHH! THE AGONY OF THIS EXPERIENCE IS INDESCRIBABLE. YOU HAVE TO QUESTION THE PRACTICALITY OF PLACING A BEAR TRAP IN THIS AREA ANYWAY, WHAT WITH THE LOW VOLUME OF BEARS IN THIS AREA. COUPLE THAT WITH THE FACT THAT SOME PEOPLE HAVE A PROPENSITY FOR PUTTING THEIR DICKS AT A HIGH RISK OF BEING CAUGHT IN THE BEAR TRAP BY GALLIVANTING AROUND WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON IN THE WOODS, AND YOU’RE JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE.
Rating: WHO GIVES A SHIT, I’M GOING TO NEED DICK SURGERY!!!

MADAGASCAR: ESCAPE 2 AFRICA
Starring Ben Stiller, Chris Rock. PG
MAYBE IF I WEDGE MY FOOT BETWEEN THE CLAWS OF THE TRAP, AND SLOWLY PUSH UP, I CAN UNHINGE MYSELF FROM THIS METALLIC NIGHTMARE. OKAY, HERE WE GO…STEADY BOY…THAT’S IT…NICE AND EASY…HEY, THIS MIGHT WORK!
Rating: 2 stars

ZACK AND MIRI MAKE A PORNO
Starring Seth Rogen, Elizabeth Banks. R
THAT DIDN’T WORK AT ALL! IF ANYTHING, MY PAIN HAS INCREASED TEN-FOLD! IT’S ALMOST LIKE THE BEAR-TRAP HAS A PERSONALITY OF ITS OWN, AND IT WAS ANGERED BY THE FACT THAT I WAS TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM ITS HORRIBLE CLUTCHES. WHAT DID MY DICK DO TO DESERVE THIS GRISLY FATE! WHAT, I ASK OF YOU, WHAT?!?!?
Rating: 4 stars

MILK
Starring Sean Penn, Emile Hirsch. R
I CAN TELL YOU THIS – FROM THIS DAY FORWARD I WILL HAVE MUCH MORE COMPASSION FOR BEARS. I WILL USE ALL MY AVAILABLE FUNDS TO SET UP A CHARITY PREACHING BEAR TRAP AWARENESS WITHIN THE BEAR COMMUNITY. I’M TALKING CLASSES, SEMINARS…WE SHOULD BE EDUCATING THE BEARS. AND WHILE I’M FIGHTING THAT BATTLE, HELPING TO COMBAT IGNORANCE ON THE PART OF THE BEAR POPULATION, I WILL BE PICKETING OUTSIDE ALL THE BEAR TRAP MANUFACTURERS IN THE HOPE THAT THEY’LL COME TO THEIR SENSES AND STOP THIS CRUEL PRACTICE. MY PENIS WILL BE PICKETING ALSO, PROVIDED HE ISN’T TORN CLEAN OFF BY THIS FEROCIOUS METAL CONTRAPTION.
Rating: 3 stars

THAT DOES IT FOR TODAY’S BATCH OF REVIEWS. COME BACK NEXT WEEK WHEN….AHHH, GOD, IS THAT A BEAR TRAP OR A THOUSAND POISON ARROWS? BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT IT FEELS LIKE RIGHT NOW!

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