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Blumberg’s Birthday Bash

November 10, 2008

My good buddy Chris Blumberg celebrated a birthday on Sunday, and me and the boys decided to do it up big for him this year. We flew him into D.C. from L.A. and planned a big Friday night. It was too insane for words, but I’ll try my best. Here’s a recap:

8:44PM – We pick Chris up from BWI. He greets us in a big floppy hat (like the one Nathan Lane’s wearing on the left) and introduces us to his friend, Bernard. Bernard is a flight attendant/body builder. We all compliment him on his outfit, although it seems a little cold to be wearing nothing but a bowtie and jean shorts.

9:01PM – On the ride back, Chris tells us about all his adventures traveling around as Elton John’s tour coordinator.

9:39PM – We get back to my house in Arlington to pregame and ask Chris where he wants to go first: strip club or the bars. He assures that since it’s his birthday weekend, he wants to stay in and “go crazy.”

10:45PM – After an hour of Taboo and Frasier reruns, we decide that if we don’t go somewhere quick we are going to shoot Chris in the face. Strip club it is.

11:07PM – Playing in the DVD player in the car on the way over? Sex and the City. We tolerated it for awhile, but when Chris started reciting the lines back to us we had to rip the DVD out and throw it out the window at a homeless guy. Everyone knows that the only real way to destroy anything is to have a bum eat it.

11:15PM – We get to our favorite strip club in D.C., the Boobatorium, and settle in at a nice big booth. Chris never made it inside. Outside our metro stop, a couple of street musicians play the Hall and Oates hit Maneater. We take a closer look and realize that it actually is Hall and Oates. Chris and Oates hit it off really well and they get into a long conversation. We take Hall inside and give him coffee and bread.

11:36PM – I strike up an engaging conversation with Melanie, an actress who happens to be taking her shirt off in exchange for one-dollar bills. I figure, hey, the holiday season is coming up! She has to get some extra cash somehow. At least that’s the rationalization I use when we make out in the toilet.

11:54PM – Melanie regrettably informs me that she has a boyfriend. She tells me it is, “One of those guys from that band Hall and Oates. I can’t remember which one. The one who isn’t gay.”

12:02AM – After Hall gets us kicked out by trying to barter a BJ-for-bread deal with one of the dancers, we head out. While at one bar, Chris has one too many daiquiris and starts telling everyone what he really thinks of them, leading to this awkward exchange:

MIKE: Hey man, happy birthday. You shouldn’t have moved out to LA, dude. We all miss you here.

CHRIS: If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it! If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it! Don’t be mad once you see that he wa-

MIKE: What the fuck are you talking about?

CHRIS: Uh, I meant to say how about those Redskins. That is what I meant to say.

12:30AM – Chris orders his seventh pastel-colored drink with an umbrella in it of the night.

12:45AM – We hit the dance floor to woo the ladies. Surprisingly, no one wants to dance with seven men in their mid-20’s doing the robot in perfect unison. Apparently the fish weren’t bitin’ on that sweet bait!

1:48AM – We get in a fist fight with a bunch of frat douches at last call, but Chris is too busy to help, as he’s nuzzled up with Oates in a corner booth.

2:45AM – At the Silver Diner, we all gag on the country fried steak that tastes like moose. Hall relentlessly and drunkenly texts Melanie.The whole meal is eaten in awkward silence as Chris feeds Oates strawberries. Bernard fumes silently in the corner.

3:02AM – While Chris goes to the bathroom, Oates and Bernard share a slow dance. Trouble in paradise?!?

4:30AM – We get back to my place. After playing drunk mahjong as Chris requested, we fulfill his true birthday wish – surround him in a giant 8-way man-spoon in his sleeping bag. We all go to sleep, horrified.

Happy birthday buddy.

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