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I Don’t Think So, Tim

October 29, 2008

Howdy. I’m Al Borland, and I’m here today to tell you about some great new products from Binford Tools.

For all of you Tool Time fans out there, I want to let you know that Tim, Jill and the boys are doing just great. Even though the show got cancelled several years ago, I still see them regularly. In fact, I’m babysitting Mark this weekend. He’s now 26.

Anyway, let me just tell you about this first product – the Binford Powerdrill 2000. With a four-pole motor that delivers 450 inches of torque, it’s the most powerful compact drill on the market. Best of all, it’s only four pounds and cordless, so you can go to work in all those hard to reach places! The battery takes only 15 minutes to recharge, so when you run out you can get back to work quickly. Also, if you attach a rubber knob on the end of it, you can use it as a dildo. It’s $159.99. Binford Powerdrill 2000.

Another great product we’ve got – the Binford Nailgun 4000. It’s got a standard dual- action contact-tip trigger. The handle has a rubber grip, which feels oh-so-soft when pressed against your skin. It uses compressed air, so as a pneumatic tool it’s safer than other nail guns on the market that use butane or propane. I use it on walls, mailboxes, and other various wood projects around the house. Also, if you remove the nails, you can shoot the compressed air up your ass, turning the nail gun into a makeshift bidet. So, there’s that. $179.99. $149.99 with a mail-in rebate.

One new product we’ve got which is very unique – the Binford Birdhouse Builder 5000. This is a complete how-to guide on how to build a birdhouse that you can have sex with. The package includes wood, a sander, a sex-swing, a book about bird-watching, and a wrench. We take you through the experience, step-by-step. This was a fun activity for me and Wilson’s girlfriend, who I took home after we had that swingers party at Tim’s place. It was even more fun when we went “bird-watching.” And when I say “bird-watching,” I mean, “to the homeless shelter to pick out a random bum to have a threesome with at our local Burger King.” Yep, the Binford Birdhouse Builder definitely combines the three B’s of home improvement – Binford, bird-watching, and bum balls. Look for it wherever home improvement products are sold.

This next tool is a real doozy – the Binford Sander Pro 7200. I used one when I was helping Tim put together his spooktacular haunted basement for Halloween 15 years ago. I was able to make Dracula’s coffin look smooth as a baby’s behind! It was really amazing. After the party, I had a couple Chardonnays and taped a feather duster to the end of it, and wa la – homemade ball tickler. This one works great as a stocking stuffer. Wait, did I say stocking? I meant to say my ass.

Man, just thinking about all these erotic tools is driving me crazy. I haven’t been this turned on since that time Jill revealed to me in private that she was a man.

Finally, the last tool I’ve got here is the Fridge Wizard 9000. This one is a bit pricey, but it’s all inclusive. It’s got all the tools you need to completely remodel your refrigerator. Many people never upgrade their fridge, so all the wear and tear can really make the unit deteriorate. We’ve got everything you need: wrench set, plywood, linoleum, massage oils, pliers, a bench, a whip, bolts, a ratchet, and a set of 15 Cinnabons you can have sex with. It’s $4,000, and I only accept cash. Tim used the Fridge Wizard to relieve some anxiety that one time that he thought Randy might have testicular cancer. Worked like a charm for him.

That’s all for me today, folks. Take advantage of some of these deals. If you need me, I’ll be on the set of Tool Time, banging a Cinnabon.

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