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Someone Get This Little Guy a Doggy Noose

October 13, 2008

When it comes to dogs, I’ll defer to the wisdom of Mrs. Seinfeld and say, “How could anyone not like them?” If the animal kingdom is Star Trek, they are Spock to humans’ Captain Kirk. Dogs are awesome. Loyal, sweet, and affectionate, they make the perfect sidekick. Some people prefer cats, citing that you have to earn a cat’s trust and respect before it ultimately accepts you. To that I say: you shit in a sandbox, and you are alive because I feed you. I shouldn’t have to earn a damn thing. Dogs win the thread.

So as Halloween approaches, it is as a staunch dog lover that I beg all you dog owners out there: please, for the love of Christ, do not dress your dog up in a costume.

Dogs are degraded enough as it is. Leave them be. We make them to eat and drink off the floor. We take them for “walks” where we tie them to a rope and pull on their necks if they roam too far away. We make them go to the bathroom outdoors and stubbornly refuse to invent some kind of indoor doggy bathroom. You’d think that would be enough, but no. There are a select group of douches who go the extra mile to demean these loyal beasts by dressing them up as Count Chocula.

Don’t exploit your dog to increase your enjoyment of a holiday that means nothing to him. The only holiday in a dog’s world is the day when its owner comes home and gives them food, or as we like to call it, Pretty Much Every Day. Halloween is a human construct that bears no meaning on his world or existence. Dogs shouldn’t have that notion forced on them. Halloween is about dressing up and eating tons of chocolate. You know what would happen to a dog if we ate a ton of chocolate? He’d shit out his entire body and die. Happy Holidays, indeed.

Keep in mind, this is coming from a man who grew up in a household where we bought our dogs Christmas presents. I never had a problem with that. Yeah, we were including the dogs in on a holiday, but at least the dogs are getting a bone or a chew toy or something. It’s not like we were putting wings and a halo on them and strapping them to the top of the tree.

Max knew all about having a d-bag owner.

Jay-Z once said, “I’m like a dog…I never speak, but I understand.” Dogs can’t grasp the concept of a costume, or even the idea of what it means to wear clothes, but I guarantee you they know they’re being played for a chump. Disagree? I challenge you to find a picture of a dog in a costume in which the dog in question doesn’t look like he wants to commit suicide. They always look sad and beaten down. Their mouths don’t move, but the eyes say, “I wish I had thumbs so I could open that bottle of painkillers on Master’s night stand and take too many of them.”

Not to be sexist, but I think this point applies especially to male dogs. If you dress him up like a sailor, or a Musketeer, or anything that screams fancy lad, you might as well neuter him if you haven’t already. You think a pug that’s worn a ballerina outfit will be able to mount his bitch with any modicum of confidence? No, he won’t. There will not be a single modicum.

I’m sure any dog would be embarrassed to have this brought up, but let’s get it out there: the highlight of any dog’s day is when he gets to furiously lick his own privates. He shouldn’t have to navigate his way around cotton and felt to do that. It is a dog’s inalienable right to do this unfettered. If they could talk and enact legislation, and if there was a Dog Declaration of Independence, that would be the first thing they mentioned. All dogs have the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of a ball rinse.

Now I don’t want to offend anyone who might dress up their dog, so I’ll close by simply saying that if you make your dog wear fancy lad little costumes, you are just as bad as Michael Vick. Good day.

You know something, that might be construed as offensive. How about we say this: if you put a costume on your loyal buddy, then your punishment should be to to wear that same outfit in public for thirty days straight. Maybe that will make you think twice before you dress your golden retriever up like Ned Nederlander.

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