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Exclusive Interview: Pacman Jones

October 10, 2008

Dallas Cowboys cornerback Adam “Pacman” Jones made headlines this week for an altercation with his bodyguard. Cowboys owner Jerry Jones announced yesterday that Jones will not be suspended for the incident. Even so, it is yet another black eye on Jones’ record, and it seems like more of the same from the troubled star. I got a chance to meet with him, and the guy is just an absolute sweetheart. I talked with West Virginia’s finest late last night about the predicament he’s placed himself in.

MIKE: First question: what happened the other night?

PACMAN: Aww man, it was nothing. Me and my bodyguard were clowning around playing this game we like to call “Shove A Dude From Behind Into a Urinal.” It just so happened that it was this dude’s turn.

MIKE: Right. How do you plan to atone for this latest mishap?

PACMAN: Man, I just want to set the record straight that Adam Jones is a stand-up guy, a good person. I mean, sure, I’ve made some mistakes. I’ve gotten in fights at strip clubs. I’ve insulted bartenders and waitresses. I’ve started barfights that have ended with dudes getting paralyzed. I’ve caused the 1996 USS Cole bombings. We could sit here all day and talk about the past, but it doesn’t do a damn bit of good, because the bottom line is that I’m reformed. I am not the same man I used to be –

MIKE: Wait a minute.

PACMAN: Pardon?

MIKE: Did you say….did you say you caused the USS Cole bombings?

PACMAN: Yeah, man. That was a big misunderstanding. But like I said, I’m not here to talk about the past. We need to talk about Adam Jones and the future. That is what I’m about. Positivity, man.

MIKE: Yeah, uh….okay. Have your transgressions motivated you on the football field, because it seems like a lot of people like to doubt….I’m sorry, but how are you responsible for the USS Cole?

PACMAN: Look man, I’ve done a lot I’m not proud of. In 2003, I picked up a five dollar bill that I knew wasn’t mine. I saw the dude drop it, but I took it anyway. Went out and bought a gyro with that money. I’ll never forget that day. But I learned that everybody makes mistakes, whether it’s taking someone else’s money or creating the bird flu in a lab and introducing it into the population. You just gotta own up and move on.

MIKE: Huh, what? Wait, did you say you….

PACMAN: Look, me and some homies were chilling in the laboratory back in ’97. We were just messin’ around, didn’t think anything of it. We had some girls in there, had a few drinks….next thing you know we knock over some beakers. Before you know it, we created the bird flu and let it get out to the unsuspecting populace. I didn’t think I was coming here to talk about the past, man, what is this –

MIKE: Okay, calm down. A lot has been said about you. Does the criticism affect you?

PACMAN: Nah, man. It’s like a duck, I just let it roll off my back. No wait, I meant to say that’s like a duck because I look cool on the surface, but underneath I’m paddling like hell. Something like that. Anyway, people say a lot of things about me. They call me a ruffian, a thug, a gangster, they say that Heath Ledger’s portrayal of the Joker in the Dark Knight was based on me, which is actually true, but I don’t listen to any of it.

MIKE: Okay, okay. Let’s just get back to….man, I can’t believe this. Okay. Let’s get back to football. The Cowboys are 4-1, yet they’re in third place in the NFC East. Any concern after the Redskin loss that you guys might not be as good as you once thought?

Pacman proceeded to pull out a Glock and threaten me with it. 15 minutes of yelling later, he calmed down and answered the question.

PACMAN: I think we’re going to be good. The one thing that people don’t realize about us is that we’re a powerful team. Tony Romo is capable of throwing 30 touchdowns. Terrell Owens can catch 20. Marion Barber can run as hard as anybody. Shit, I can control the weather to the point where I can destroy an entire city, as evidenced by 2005 when I started Hurricane Katrina and decimated New Orleans. So we know it’s a long year, but we’ve got guys who can do some things on this team.

MIKE: How….?

PACMAN: Hey can I ask you something dawg?

MIKE: Uhh…..

PACMAN: Do you think they allow strippers into the library? Jerry Jones told me to hang out somewhere low-key for the next couple of weeks.

MIKE: I don’t know, I guess…I guess if they have a library card.

PACMAN: Right! Hold up right quick.

Pacman then whipped out his phone, dialed someone he referred to as “Pookie,” and requested library cards for “all dem bitches.”

PACMAN: Genius idea, dawg. Now where were we?

MIKE: We were just talking about….

PACMAN: Right – in the interest of full disclosure, I just think you should know that I caused Princess Diana’s car to crash. I apologize right now for that one.

MIKE: That’s impressive, actually. You could drive when you were that young?

PACMAN: Man, I was getting crunk and driving home by the time I was 4, homie.

MIKE: Well, congratulations, Pacman. You truly are perpetuating every horrible stereotype you can.

Pac then stood on his chair, did bird calls for ten minute straight, and drank out of a bottle of Patron. At that point I assumed the interview was over.

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