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The New Facebook Layout

September 20, 2008

Online petitions requesting a return to Facebook.com’s old design have popped up everywhere as teenagers and college students all over the nation cry foul over the social networking site’s new design. The site’s earlier, simpler interface has been replaced with a complicated series of tabs and menus that are much harder to navigate. Being a Facebook user myself, I decided to check it out and see if all the complaints were warranted. Here are some of the more significant differences I found:

* Popular “Poke” feature replaced by the more blunt “Can We Just Fuck and Get It Over With?” tab.

* If more than 50% of your photos feature you and your significant other, must choose a newly created relationship status known as Whipped.

* Anyone over the age of 35 with an account is placed in one of two categories: creepy or pathetic.

* In order to add someone as a friend, you must be able to produce proof of friendship that couldn’t be acquired through hardcore stalking.

* For the ladies: if there are two girls in your profile photo, you must clearly delineate whether you are the hot one or the dog face.

* In order to prevent drunk messaging, anyone logging on after 3 AM must blow less than a .08 into the Facebook breathalyze.

* An angry hawk will be dispatched to the house of anyone who tries to get you to be a pirate, or zombie, or ninja, or Dracula, or whatever the fuck else those losers are trying to get you to be.

* If you make more than 2 status updates in one day, your computer will grow robot arms and choke you out.

* In order to curb excessive use of the feature, every “bumper sticker” you receive is read aloud by Gilbert Gottfried repeatedly until you delete it.

* The new, more powerful Mini-Feed updates your friends every time you eat, breathe, or take a shit.

* In the upper right corner of every picture you’re drunk in, there’s a smaller picture of your grandparents frowning.

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