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The Presidential Elections: 1876

September 10, 2008

With the 2008 Presidential Election just around the corner, I’m running a series chronicling some of this nation’s best and most controversial elections. I plan to have each one authored by a different guest blogger. Today, we’re going to take a look back on the Election of 1876 between Samuel J. Tilden and Rutherford B. Hayes. Your author is one of my best friends, my boy Marques.

This is Marques here to tell you all about the election of 1776. The United States presidential election of 1876 was one of the most disputed and intense presidential elections in American history. Samuel J. Tilden of New York defeated Ohio’s Rutherford Hayes in the popular vote, and had 184 electoral votes to Hayes’ 165, with 20 votes yet uncounted. These 20 electoral votes were in dispute: in three states (Florida, Louisiana, and South Carolina) each party reported its candidate had won the state, while in Oregon one elector was declared illegal (on account of being an “elected or appointed official”) and replaced. The votes were ultimately awarded to Hayes after a bitter electoral dispute.
Also, the thing about elections is this…man, my bad. That shit was straight off Wikipedia. I don’t know shit about the presidential election of 1876. I just wanted to write in to tell you about this kick-ass accessory I got for my new house. Allright, first let me ask you: what do you got on your front porch, welcoming your visitors? Nothing, right? Looks a little empty. Well, it ain’t gonna look empty at my crib. No sir. That’s because I got a…get this…a bear holding a welcome fish.


If you’re not familiar with this baby, let me explain. It’s a statue of a little bear. First off, how did he even get that little? Is it a baby, or is it a tiny adult bear? Was he genetically engineered to be that way, in his momma’s womb? We’ll never know, and that’s part of the mystery.

So this little bear statue is holding a fish that says welcome on it. I love him, man. He’s like my little buddy. This extra small bear – whether he got that way through science or nature is something mankind will debate for decades – went out and caught himself a fish. But did he eat it, like all those other greedy bears? Nope. He came to my house and will offer that fish to anyone rolling through my abode. What a nice little guy. And based on the writing on that fish, he also has remarkable penmanship for a bear.

It’s almost like he works for me. When dime pieces roll through, they’re going to be thinking I own a tiny bear. And they’re going to see this tiny bear, who may have been created in a laboratory, or maybe by Jesus himself, and they’ll think, “Man, not only does this guy have an assistant…he’s got a bear for an assistant! That means he had to go out in the wild, find this unique, miniature bear, and tame it! And now it gets him beer during football and sends his faxes!”

I was kicking around the notion of getting him a little tuxedo to wear. Just to make it official. And here’s a free lesson for all the ladies out there: if you’re thinking about shacking up at the Casa de Marques, and your redecoration plans don’t include Bear Holding a Welcome Fish, then you got the wrong hombre. Best go find yourself some spineless jellyfish who will acquiesce to your every demand to take down the Bear Holding a Welcome Fish. But guess what, Toots? I ain’t that guy. You’re not the trick for me.

To bring me back to my original point – nobody in history gives a fuck about Rutherford B. Hayes. Why? Never put his stamp on the White House. Bitch didn’t even win the popular vote, so a lot of people didn’t look at him as a legit president. You know what could have restored some legitimacy to his great office? How about a fucking Bear Holding a Welcome Fish on the White House lawn? That would make people think that a player has his shit together. What does it say about a man who proved that he could tame a junior-sized bear to be his butler? It makes the American people think: “I definitely want to go camping with this guy. Not only do we not need to be afraid of a bear attack, but for all we know, he could get the bear to cook for us and wash our shit.”
When you’re voting this November, ask yourself – which candidate would be more likely to own a bear holding a welcome fish? Do I want a guy who wouldn’t own a bear holding a welcome fish? I’m not sure either candidate would rock the BHAWF. I mean, I’m voting for McCain anyway, because Palin’s got that sexy librarian vibe going on. That chick just does it for me. You know what, I bet you she would appreciate a Bear Holding a Welcome Fish. Yeah…I bet you she would.
McCain and Palin in ’08, bitches: Bear Holding a Presidential Welcome Fish.
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