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What’s Your Sign, Brother?

September 7, 2008
Hulk Hogan has been involved in divorce proceedings for the past few months. When I was a kid, I loved Hulk Hogan, so I guess I was kind of sad when I heard this. Then after about ten seconds I probably went back to whatever I was doing at the time.

I don’t know what the reason behind the divorce was, but I believe it was instigated by his wife. That’s unfair on her part. When the two of them met, he was Terry Bollea. A no-name wrestler. Now…25, 30 years later…he’s Hulk Hogan. Everyone knows he’s Hulk Hogan. He’s made his name and his money on being Hulk Hogan. You see that guy, you think, say your prayers, eat your vitamins….the image of that man is incontrovertibly linked with Hulk Hogan.

How is he supposed to date now?

Dating is tough enough for anyone, but imagine if you’re Hulk Hogan. What can he do? He can’t take a woman out for a nice dinner. I’m not up to speed on the dress code of most classy restaurants, but I’m pretty sure they don’t allow doo-rags and championship belts. He’ll have the waiter coming up to him: “Mr. Hogan, I’m sorry you didn’t like the tiramisu, but did you have to rip your shirt off?”

Women like men who can hold an intelligent conversation, and they love men who are ambitious. Can you imagine the Hulkster having a serious discussion about his five-year plan? “My real goals are to travel across Europe….start up a charity for inner-city kids….beat the Undertaker. I’d like to do all that by the time I’m 60.”

I always imagined Hulk Hogan reverting to his wrestling persona at random intervals in his life, anyway. Talking to somebody who’s mumbling? One hand cupped to your ear should get them to speak up. Long line at the post office? A couple of folding chairs to the backs of a couple stiffs oughta fix that. 500 pound behemoth only thing that stands in the way between you and glory? Just drink a large cup full of steroids and body slam him.

That is fine if you’re his wife and you’re used to it. What about some 45 year old divorcee who’s trying to start over? How about the first time that lady invites Hogan over to her house, and as he walks through the door, he’s followed by the entire nWo? She doesn’t want Hall, Nash, Bischoff and Syxx-Pac strutting around the coffee table for half an hour, knocking over vases. Just let the woman watch P.S. I Love You with her new man without getting Buff Bagwell involved.

Here’s the other thing to consider: Hulk Hogan barely ever lost a match. If you’ve never seen a Hulk Hogan match, here’s how every single one went down: Hulk kick opponent’s ass. Opponent kicks Hulk’s ass. Hulk kicks opponent’s ass. Opponent kicks Hulk’s ass to the point where he almost has him beat…until Hulk is able to reenergize himself by “hulking” up and beating the dude up for the win. Every time. It was like if a Steven Seagal movie were condensed into ten minutes.

He’s been conditioned to expect victory, which means I can’t imagine how he’d respond to rejection in the dating world. Can you see it? He walks a girl to the door, leans in for the goodnight kiss…she backs away. What does he do? Does he clench his fist and shake his arms, followed by him looking menacingly out to where the audience would be? Maybe for about thirty seconds. Then when she doesn’t respond, he decks her in the face and runs off.

I can’t bear the thought of one of my childhood heroes floundering away on a lunch date at PF Changs with a woman who doesn’t understand what it takes to date the former champ. So for any of you ladies out there who like balding, over-muscled, oddly-tanned former pro-wrestlers, here are some tips on how to date Hulk Hogan:

* Yes, vitamins can be ground up and injected intravenously. Why else would he have a wheelbarrow full of syringes in the garage?

* Don’t worry about the fact that he constantly calls you brother. In the Hogan vernacular, it’s not gender-specific.

* If you’re not up and out of bed when he hits the snooze button for the third time, prepare for a leg-drop.

* During the intimate times, don’t get startled if the Ultimate Warrior pops out from behind the dresser with a camcorder. It’s all good, Warrior’s cool. He’s seen much freakier shit.

* If you hear a rustling near the trash cans late at night, don’t be alarmed. It’s probably just raccoons. Or the Macho Man, combing for empties.

I’ll get ten cents for this baby in Michigan brother, oh yeah!


* Don’t get jealous of his partner during his inevitable run on Dancing with the Stars sometime in the next two or three years.

* If you decide to cook a birthday cake for his son Nick, make sure it includes chocolate icing, sprinkles, and a large file.

* There will be a mandatory interview with “Mean” Gene Okerlund after every lovemaking session.

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