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Giants/Skins Preview

September 4, 2008

My buddy Chris Blumberg wanted to chime in on tonight’s NFL opener between his Washington Redskins and my New York Giants:

A GIANTS VERSUS REDSKINS PREVIEW BLOG?!?!?! HOW DELECTABLY DEVIOUS! HOW GLORIOUSLY DECADENT!!! I shall try to contain my giddiness, but I must admit it is hard to hide. The opportunity to watch strapping young pieces of beefcake fly all over the field, slapping at each other while in tight pants – it is like God himself served me a slice of Heaven pie.

Oh, how I do love football season – it reminds me of my merry college years, when me and the other fellows would gather in the living room of our humble abode on Montgomery Street in Blacksburg, Virginia. The boys would give me some money and send me out to pick up hot dogs and beer, but I had other plans! I recall the look on their faces as I emerged from the kitchen, wearing a Chris Cooley jersey tied off to expose my mid-riff and jean shorts, clutching a platter of Rice Krispie treats and a bucket of crisp apple cider! What a pleasant surprise I had in store for them! Although I can tell you that I spent many a-Sunday nights soaked in cider, hiding in a trash can in my room until they stopped looking for me, clutching my bear Fitchett.

But that was then, and a new season is upon us! One that offers hope and promise for our squad from Washington! You will find no bigger Redskin fan than me. I have hats, banners, posters, autographed jerseys. I’ll tell you one thing I never did to show my support. I never dressed up as a woman like in Bosom Buddies to go out on a date with Fred Smoot after he saw my profile on Match.com, only to have him realize that I was clearly a man in a wig. That never happened.

The point is, I’m a huge supporter of the Skins. I wanted to write in not to tell you my prediction for tonight’s game, but rather what I hope will happen:

I see the Redskins getting the ball to start the game. I see them having a great drive and getting the ball to the fifty yard line, exactly. Then…just when the game is really getting underway and the offense is getting in a rhythm….James Thrash and I will burst out of the tunnel, carrying a table. Fitchett follows closely behind with several cups, covered dishes, and a steaming kettle. Everyone looks at us quizzically as security hastens after us. Before they can catch us, I flip on my wireless mic and yell –

“DON’T REALIZE WHAT TIME IT IS? IT IS TIME FOR A FANCY REDSKIN TEA PARTY!!!!”

The boos will reign down on us from the Meadowlands crowd, but we will not care. James, Fitchett and I will be joined by Jason Campbell, Jason Taylor, Coach Jim Zorn, and former coach Joe Gibbs, who will be dressed like King Henry the VII (it’s my fantasy, don’t judge). We will all sit down and indulge ourselves in some heavenly tea and krimpets.

The Giants players look at us with astonishment, as their uptight coach Tom Coughlin protests to the referees. It is of no matter. We pay them no mind, as we are too focused on having our fancy lad discussions about things like ballet, art, etiquette, and being a proper little fancy gentlemen.

We are soon joined by Clinton Portis, who adorns the table with some of his finest, hand-crafted doilies, and Chris Cooley, who wears a sailor outfit while holding a comically large lollipop. It is such a lovely affair! Everyone speaks in a prim and proper tone. Everyone has table manners befitting that of a perfect gentleman. Everyone wears a top hat. Words like indubitably and effervescent waft softly through the air. It will take us back to the elegance of Victorian England.
At one point, one of the Giants may yell out, “Hey – you said you were having tea and krimpets. The correct term is crumpet!” Then he high-fives a teammate, thinking he has won the day.

“Oh no!” I yell, rising to my feet. “You see, I have purchased a box of TastyKake krimpets from the grocery store, for it is the best snackfood I could afford. So it is you, not I, who is mistaken! Krimpet is the term! Krimpet, my boy! Now get over here and give Papa Bear a kiss!” He will storm off in disgust, and my fancy boy Redskin-gentlemen will politely golf-clap and whistle at my victory over the brute.

Afterwards, after all the other players and fans have given up on disrupting my lovely little tea party, we may play parlour games. To add to the jovial atmosphere, I imagine Sam Huff energetically playing the fiddle while doing a fantastic jig. And perhaps if I am truly lucky, one of the offensive lineman may inquire with my father about one day courting me.

After a spell, all the Redskins players get boners for each other and decide they want to quit the NFL so they can go travel in Europe together. They carry me off the field, right onto the first flight out of BWI to Prague! What a merry day it will be!

How I love the NFL! On the plane to Europe we will have a 60-way!

Ed. Note: I don’t know about all that, but as a Giants fan, I would like to offer my heartfelt congratulations to the Redskins on their Super Bowl victory last year. Enjoy those rings you’ll be receiving tonight, you earned them.
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