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Exclusive: Interview with Osi Umenyiora

August 26, 2008

As a huge New York Giants fan, it crushed me to see that defensive end Osi Umenyiora will miss the entire 2008 season with a knee injury. As soon as I heard the news, I called up the team and asked if I could get an interview with the star defender. They graciously agreed, so here it is.


MIKE
: Osi, thanks for your time. First off, congratulations are in order for the Super Bowl win.

OSI: Thanks, man. To come together like a team like that was not an easy feat. You put so much effort into each game, it’s great to have a pay off like that at the end. I worked so hard for it, man. I put so much blood and sweat into each of my 20 gameworn jerseys, which are available for purchase on OsiMerch.com. Also available on there are Osi hats, Osi bobbleheads, and even custom-made Osi Umenyiora beer cozies, which I refer to as “the beer Osi.”

MIKE: Oh…cool. I’m sure a lot of fans would get a kick out of that stuff.

OSI: It’s all available at OsiMerch.com! And also tell them all that shit is trademarked, yo.

MIKE: That’s important to note. Before we talk about your injury, one guy who was in the headlines a lot this offseason was Brett Favre. You were on the field for his final pass. Do you think he’s tarnishing his legacy by coming back with the Jets?

OSI: Not at all. Brett Favre is an absolute legend. A legend. He’s a sure fire Hall of Famer, making that last ball that he threw for an interception in the championship game all the more valuable. Which means that getting said ball on OsiMerch.com for only $199 is a steal, don’t you think?

MIKE: Umm…what?

OSI: It’s autographed by Corey Webster and Lawrence Tynes. For authenticity purposes, you’ll also get a picture of me standing next to the ball. Act now, because there are only four available.

MIKE: How can there be fo-

OSI: Next question.

MIKE: How frustrating is it not to be able to help the guys defend your title?

OSI: It’s incredibly frustrating because we really thought we had something to build on. My dream job is to be on the football field, man. Why, the only place I’d rather work from would be home. Would you like to work from home?

MIKE: Of course. Who wouldn’t?

OSI: Hmm…well, I’ve come across this opportunity, but I’m not sure how long it will be available, so you have to act fast. I need someone to transfer my funds from a Swiss bank account to my American account because I have a very sick relative in urgent need of care. In order to do so, I’d need a liason in America who could transfer the funds, as well as provide a loan to cover any other costs the transfer may necessitate. The sweet part about this is that the pay out is $100,000. All you have to do –

MIKE: Osi, I’m sorry, but that’s a 419 scam.

OSI: I beg your pardon?

MIKE: What you’re pitching to me. That’s a Nigerian 419 bank scam. You’re trying to scam me out of money.

OSI: I’m an NFL football player! You think I need your money!?! Man, here I am trying to help you, and you just spit back in my face!

MIKE: Allright, this interview’s over.

OSI: Hold up man, hold up. All right. I am hard up for cash. God, how could I be so stupid! The Patriots were 18-0, I figured they were a lock…

MIKE: Wait a second…are you saying you bet against the Giants in the Super Bowl last year?

OSI: You guessed it, Doctor. The jig is up. Not only did I bet my life savings, but any future earnings I could have made in football will be moot due to this admission of guilt!

MIKE: But I don’t understand…you had a really good game. Weren’t you trying to throw it?

OSI: That’s the rub. I was trying to throw the game. Unfortunately, I rush the quarterback with such a high level of excellence that I was unable to play poorly. Don’t you see? Even when I tried to play bad, I ended up dominating. I’m a virtuoso! I had the flu during the Philly game last year and I ended up with like 18 sacks. My ridiculously sick moves on o-lineman have proved to be both a blessing and a curse. Now, I’m penniless.

MIKE: Well, I’m really sorry to hear that, man. I got a couple bucks here that you’re welcome to have…and I think…yeah, looks like I’ve got a Twix wrapper in my back pocket. Not sure it’s worth anything, but it’s shiny.

OSI: So you like candy bars?

MIKE: Uh…yeah.

OSI: Well then, maybe you’d like to sample one of my caramel or dark chocolate bars I’m selling here for a dollar each. A portion of the proceeds will go to help New Jersey area Boys and Girls’ Clubs….

MIKE: Good luck in ’09, buddy.
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