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Interview with a Monkey

August 18, 2008

Daniel Ross has been my best friend since the 8th grade. We were roommates for all four years of college. So if I seem a little biased during this interview, that’s why. This is a guy I know and trust. And he’s done something amazing.

Many times during school we would talk about our life goals. One October night, during our junior year, all the guys and I sat around drinking a warm bottle of Captain Morgan’s. It was that night that Daniel told us his dream – to make a monkey into a genius. Maybe it was the liquor, I don’t know – but from the look in that dude’s eyes, I could tell he meant it. So I got out my checkbook and told him I’d fund his project. Well, four years later Daniel calls me up. Says that he’s ready to show his genius talking monkey to the world. So today we’ve got the world’s first interview with Daniel Ross and his talking monkey, Rhubarb.
Mike Eltringham: What’s up, man?

Daniel Ross: Nothing much, dude. Thanks for doing this.

ME: And who is this little gentleman? Wearing a nice little tuxedo!

DR: Oh….that’s Rhubarb. Rhubarb the Monkey.

Rhubarb the Monkey: Hello.

ME: So quiet for being such a little genius! You’d think he’d be sprouting off mathematical equations or sonnets from Shakespeare, as smart as I’m sure he is! Rhubarb, are you happy to be here today?

RTM: Yes.

DR: I’m real proud of him…he’s worked real hard…

ME: He’s a regular simian mastermind, I’m sure. I can’t wait to ask him his thoughts on 19th century British literature.

DR: Mike, that’s the thing…

RTM: I am a silly little monkey! Look at me, look at me! I can make fart noises with my mouth! PPPPPPPFFFFF!

ME: What is he doing?

DR: He’s not quite a genius, dude. He can talk just fine, but we haven’t even hit kindergarten material yet.

RTM: Pooh is fun to play with!

DR: Rhubarb, no! No! That’s bad! Bad monkey!

RTM: Can I play baseball with my pooh, Daddy? Can I be A-Rod?

ME: I’m kind of at a loss for words right here….this is disappointing, because when I funded this I figured you’d turn him into a genius.

DR: Yes, you can be A-Rod! That’s the plan, eventually, but right now….

RTM (hitting Mike over the head with a foam pool noodle): I’M A-ROD!

DR:…I have a whole curriculum mapped out, but we have to take baby steps……

ME: GET OFF OF ME!

RTM: You wanna know my favorites, Mister? You wanna know?

ME: What? What are your favorites?

RTM: My favorites are baseball and candy!

ME: This is unbelievable. You have failed as an instructor, you idiot!

DR: Look, we’re doing good so far, but it’s going to take some time. He’s been showing a lot of promise.

ME: What is he doing over there….wait a minute…he’s shitting on my bills! Those are my bills for this month!

DR: RHUBARB, NO! STOP DOING THAT! COME HERE! DADDY WILL GIVE YOU A TREAT! NOW COME HERE AND APOLOGIZE TO MR. ELTRINGHAM! NO, DON’T THROW THE SHIT AT –

ME: HE JUST THREW A HUNK OF SHIT AT ME! That’s it, man. I’m getting my tranquilizer gun.

DR: Now, don’t you dare. Mike –

ME: This is my house, and that is a wild animal!

DR: If you get the tranq darts out –

ME: I will not have a wild animal chuck hunks of shit at me under my roof!

DR: I will put you in a cobra clutch if you even move towards that tranq gun! Don’t do it! I won’t let you hurt my little boy!

RTM: I’M A-ROD!

I planned on discussing quantum physics with Rhubarb for Part II of the interview, but apparently that will have to wait. Coming tomorrow, INTERVIEW WITH A MONKEY PART II : WHY BLOCKS ARE AWESOME.
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