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Adopt a Chupacabra

August 13, 2008

Every year, a countless number of chupacabras are left to fend for themselves without homes. Some are even slaughtered thoughtlessly. I’m here to tell you that el chupacabra needs your help, and I’m going to tell you what you can do.

For those of you who don’t know, el chupacabra is a donkey-like creature that can be found in many parts of Mexico, as well as South and Central America. Well, it might look like a donkey, or maybe a coyote with more hair. According to legend, el chupacabra will sneak onto farms to eat and suck the blood of livestock. They have struck fear in the hearts of many farmers who misunderstand these beautiful creatures. While some of the negative stereotypes of el chupacabra may be true, they don’t have to be. Allow me to explain.

In 2006, I started the Mike El-chupacabra-ham Fund. All donations made through the Fund will go to finding decent homes for any stray chupacabras, which probably resemble a zebra with fins. We also use the money to buy the chupacabras food and little sweaters.

If you’re hesitant to adopt a chupacabra, allow me to clear up some rumors that may be floating around:

MYTH: Chupacabras are evil.
FACT: This is not true. Chupacabras do attack farm animals, but that’s out of desperation and hunger. Offer a chupacabra some cheesecake and I’m sure he’d be pumped to eat it. At first it may try to suck blood out of it, but old habits die hard.

MYTH: Chupacabras mutilate other animals.
FACT: Again, you can attribute this to boredom more than you can evil. What else is there to do for a forest dwelling animal in Caracas? Since you probably live in a suburb, I’m assuming you have an air hockey table, and no living thing can resist the lure of air hockey, even el chupacabra. At the worst, it might crucify some squirrels, but let’s be honest, those pricks have it coming.

MYTH: Chupacabras look like three-foot tall squid who walk around on two feet.
FACT: In actuality, el chupacabra’s face looks like a lion, with the body of a baby deer. Or maybe it’s got the body of a really big frog with the head of a fish. I’m not sure. But it’s definitely one of those two.

Look, do you realize how many chupacabras are out there on the streets alone? Our studies have shown that last Christmas, over 8,000 chupacabras spent the holidays by themselves, with nothing to eat but a single piece of buttered bread and some mutilated goat meat. The real question is: when December 25th rolls around this year, how will you feel when you know that there are countless chupacabra without any presents?

Act now. Adopt a chupacabra today, or at the very least, donate to the Fund. Email me with your bank account info and we can set up a direct transfer today. Or just send me straight cash, homie. You’ll be cuddling a chupacabra faster than you can say, “Why is Mike running away with that greasy bag of cash?”

Look, just send me some scrilla so we can help give a chupacabra a good old fashioned Christmas.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 28, 2008 7:16 pm

    And here we are all worried about a presidential election with a story like this overlooked by the media. Sickening.

    Interestingly enough, they look oddly similar to a certain 1984 mammal AFTER it became wet, was exposed to bright light, and was fed after midnight.

    I will take four. One has to be brown. How do I pay for these again?

  2. Coffee Monkey permalink
    December 26, 2008 8:52 am

    out of all the mythical, blood sucking creatures out there, the Chupacabra is almost certainly the sneakiest, name’s hard to remember…
    coffee!

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