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Dinosaurs Had Beef and Now We’re Reaping the Benefits

August 6, 2008

I got home from a show last night around 1AM. I cracked open an ice-cold Mikeweiser (aka Snapple) and threw on the History Channel. I was planning to crush the Snapple and then hit the sack.

Except that Jurassic Fight Club was on.

If you don’t know, Jurassic Fight Club stages fake CGI fights between dinosaurs. That is as awesome as it sounds. I was so pumped for this that I texted my boy Courtney about it, leading to the gayest text message exchange in the history of mankind:
MIKE (1:02) – Hist. Channel, Jurassic Fight Club
COURTNEY (1:04) – Just saw a raptor whoopin ass. Turn 2 Travel Channel, Bizarre Foods is on.
MIKE (1:04) – Want 2 watch it over here? Maybe take our shirts off
COURTNEY (1:07) – U read my mind homie. I’ll tell my wife we r playin ball.
MIKE (1:08) – Cool.
MIKE (1:15) – Wish I knew how to quit u

A couple of things about the show:

* They interviewed a lot of paleontologists. One of the guys was named “Dinosaur” George Blasing. I don’t know anything about this guy, but studying dinosaurs and then nicknaming yourself dinosaur ensures one thing: you are a Grade A Douchasaurus.

* Whenever anyone draws or designs a CGI T-Rex, why do they always give it an evil look in his eyes? The place where his eyebrows would be are curved up, like a villain. The tyrannosaurus wasn’t inherently evil. It was an animal, not Snidely Whiplash.


*Can’t wait for the inevitable crossover when the dinosaurs from Jurassic Fight Club take on the bums from BumFights.

* Unless Jurassic Park actually happens, there are a finite number of dinosaurs to choose from. What if the show gets wildly popular but they run out? Will they have dinosaurs fight other guys? This week, we pit the T-Rex against 1974 George Foreman. We’ll see if the T-Rex’s “eat his face” strategy works better than the rope-a-dope.

* Right around the time that you see a CGI dinosaur pissing to mark his territory is when you start to think, “Yeah….this is a bit much.” I feel for the guy who had to draw that. I’m sure he’s proud of his work, as he should be; the scene looked amazing. But it has to be hard on his wife when he yells up from the basement every ten minutes to ask her, “Honey, do you think this is what dinosaur piss would have looked like?”

* The analysis of the fights were pretty cool, but the fights themselves were kind of a letdown. The CGI was on point, but not utilized to maximum effect. We’ve known about dinosaurs for about 150 years now. We’ve had all that time to envision how cool it would be for giant reptiles to fight, and you’re telling me you don’t want to embellish it a little bit? A T-Rex versus a brontosaurus is a no contest…unless you give him a chainsaw. And he’s driving a monster truck. That would spice things up.

You might say that’s stupid. Okay…think about two dinosaurs running at each other, full speed, one with a spiked club, the other swinging a medieval mace. I want that image muralized and hung on my bedroom wall.

Or put it in the setting of a talk show. Have an apatosaurus that looks vaguely like Maury Povich talking to a couple of seated raptors. “Jamon, you said you never cheated with that plesiosaur…lie detector test says THAT’S a lie.” After that, a fight just seems natural.

All I’m saying is, if I saw a show that had two pterodactyls in jeans and tank tops fighting in a bar parking lot over some girl, I would say that’s the very definition of appointment television.

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