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A Quicker Way to Escape From Ass-Kickings

August 1, 2008

A New Zealand man has invented a jetpack, and it was unveiled earlier this week. This means a lot of things, namely that rich dorks will get to be Tony Stark without the women, alcohol, or balls to fight the Mandarin.

It might be cool to own a jetpack, but it won’t be cool to be the first guy to own a jetpack. He’s just paying for a cool way to die. Maybe if he throws in an extra couple thousand, when he goes down they’ll have a gorilla catch him and throw him into a volcano.

And maybe I’ve just had my head up my ass since I was a kid, but I haven’t heard a lot of people clamoring for jetpacks. A lot of kids wanted to own one. But once they discovered that getting laid was sweeter than blueberry muffins, they weren’t so sweet on the concept of a jetpack.

The staggering price – $100K – means that only the wealthy will be able to afford it. Can you picture the CEO of a Fortune 500 company with a jetpack? “That was a very productive board meeting, but I have to head to Munich for a conference on global integration. Where’s your nearest window sill? Do you have a ramp on the roof that I can jump off of while making propeller noises? Fetch me my helmet.”

I’m just worried that working class people, in their desperation, will turn to bootlegged jetpacks. some idiot is going to walk around with two fire extinguishers taped together that he got out of the back of a truck.

I’ve been pretty negative towards it, but here are some of the practical ways the jetpack can be used in society:

* A new reality show, Off to the Races: Man v. Train.
* Good to have them on hand in case the plot of Independence Day ever actually happens.
* Some nut could cover himself in scaly fabric and fight crime under the pseudonym Ptero-Don Johnson.
* Can be used to lower gas prices; just send a bunch of people in jetpacks over to the Middle East to steal oil.
* Replacing airplanes; because how nice would it be to fly without the hassle of safety?
* When it’s released in 2023, Apple’s iJetpack will revolutionize transportation, communication, and being able to go back in time.

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