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Ask the Future Lil Wayne

June 13, 2008


So through some IP addresses getting crossed, and also due to an interdimensional wormhole, I accidently got an email from Lil Wayne the other day. Only thing was, the date on it was June 10th, 2036. I couldn’t believe it. After exchanging emails with the 57 year old rapper (who apparently, 28 years later, is still the best rapper alive) I asked him if he would like to answer some of the emails I got looking for advice. He was more than happy to oblige. So here it is: the first edition of Ask the Future Lil Wayne.

Tommy in Columbus writes:
Dear Future Lil Wayne – I want to ask my girlfriend to marry me, but I’m afraid she’s having doubts. What should I do?

Future Lil Wayne: Thanks for writing, Tommy. I remember when I was courting my wife, Bernice, back in 2019. I remember picking her up in my hovercraft and weaving in and out of clouds as I took her to see a holo-movie, Ant Man 3. Come to think of it, I believe it was I who once said, “I’m the Birdman, Birdman junior bitch/Up high in the sky, shit on you and yo bitch.” And it was at that moment, looking over at Bernice, that I thought, “You know what? I may be high in the sky…but I don’t want to shit on you and yo bitch. I want to lovingly caress my bitch.” Tell her how you feel Tommy, and maybe one day, you and your bride will both shit on young men AND their bitches.

Dave in Cincinnati writes: Weezy – can you give us the market forecast in the next 20 years or so? I need some help with my stocks.

Future Lil Wayne: Well that wouldn’t be fair, would it? 😉 No, I’m afraid I’m a self made G, and all the bitches know the business. I insist you follow that advice. I will say that the economy inexplicably improved under President Affleck. The value of the American scrilla, which I guess back then was referred to as the dollar, has never been higher.

Rich in Tacoma writes: Wayne – I’ve been in a long distance relationship for about a month now. I really like her but I don’t know if I can trust her yet. What should I do?

Future Lil Wayne: Rich – on one hand, the cornerstone of long distance relationships are trust and open lines of communication. If you establish both of those early, you’ll be well on your way to true love. On the other hand, a woman may say she loves her man, say she misses him, but nobody do it better than her distant dick. Me personally? I’m a long distance pimp.

Ken in Forth Worth writes: Wizzle fo Shizzle: can you tell us what kind of things you do for fun in 2036?

Future Lil Wayne: Oooh, good question. I enjoy playing with my robot lion. Any number of activities involving bitches and hos. I visited Denmark last summer after I finished The Carter XVII. I just bought a new virtual reality DVR so I can actually be in movies. Just last week I played Gizmo in Gremlins. And that’s about it. Oh, and I also enjoy relaxing with my family. Last week I saw my daughter graduate from Bucknell.

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