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Vegas Countdown: Guest Blog

May 19, 2008

I’m going out to Las Vegas for the first time this weekend, so I decided to make this week on the blog the Vegas Countdown. Today I’ve got a guest blog from my boy Chris “Lips” Blumberg. I met Chris my freshman year at Virginia Tech; me and my roommate Daniel became friends with him when we all realized we were the only 3 people on the hall who weren’t d-bags. Anyways, Chris is in LA now, but we still keep in touch, and being that he’s been to Vegas a few times now, he wanted to chime in and tell me what I could expect:

What Vegas Means to Me
by Chris Blumberg, as told to Mike Eltringham

Ooohh! A guest blog, how delicious! Michael, I have been to Las Vegas, the City of Sin, several times now, and the results can be rather lascivious….Especially when Christopher has had more than his fair share of Cosmopolitans!

Now – getting there is quite the bother. You have to ride in one of those monstrous flying boxes, and they can be positively dreadful. Oh, how I wish a fairy could appear and sprinkle magic dust all over me, so that I may fly to Las Vegas, floating above the countryside with not a care in the world.

Or I would float on a big puffy cloud, wearing the fluffiest plaid pajamas with my teddy bear, Fitchett, at my side. And if I should get hungry during my journey, I can pick a bit of the cloud off and lo! It is a marshmellow cloud! What a serendipitous turn of events! And I will eat pieces of my marshmellow cloud and hug my beautiful bear until we are greeted by the neon lights of the city. Yes, I surmise that I would much prefer that to riding JetBlue.

But lest I forget – now I reside in the City of Angels, that magnificent urban sprawl known as Los Angeles; Las Vegas is but a car ride away! I can get in my purple VW bug accompanied by my “road trip necessities” – Fitchett, the Grease soundtrack, my hairbrush, and Snackwell’s devil food cookies – which, by the way, only have one calorie (!).

And how stylish will I look with my pink, monogrammed kerchief tied snug around my neck as I cascade through the desert? Oh, what the boys will say?!?!

When we arrive, then it will be time to imbibe spirits in our hotel room, just as we did during our merry youth in Blacksburg! Before we leave we must have one of our world famous pillow fights. After that we’ll talk about our dreams, jump on the bed, and indulge in the gooey confection that are s’mores. And oh, the drinks….let’s just say our navels will never be fuzzier!!!!
Until we shave them of course, and if you’re still not down with shaving my stomach, that is 100% cool. However I must warn you, that is an offer I will make until you accept.

And then it’s off to the casino floor. I wear what I like to call my “go-to” ensemble: a purple, collared shirt buttoned all the way to the tip-top; a pair of silver studded pants with the shirt tucked in; and to top it all off, a gigantic belt buckle with Darnerian McCants’ face on it. Also, a cowboy hat, tassels on my boots like Macho Man Randy Savage wore, and my signature: a dog collar with the words LIPS spelled out in diamonds.

I like to enter the casino by sashaying up and down the aisles, doing the Sprinkler, until some young studly piece of man-beef invites me over to his table to wish him good luck. I tell you, I have been a good luck token for more than one out of towner, and every time I feel like the prettiest girl at the ball! 😉

They say what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas….how I wish that were so. I can’t say exactly what happened during my wildest excursion, but let’s just say it involves your dear Christopher drinking a little too much wine, a medicine ball, a meat lover’s pizza, and the 2004 Green Bay Packers!

On a completely unrelated note, Najeh Davenport is much gentler than he looks.

So my darling Michael, I’m sure that the city will put you under its spell the way it did me. And while you may lose all your money , or inadvertantly get married, remember – Christopher will be there for you. Even as you sleep, holding a lady Gillette over your tummy in the hopes that you will come to your senses and let me shave it.

Again, I’m 100% cool with you not being cool with that. But if your answer ever changes, let me know.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Craig permalink
    May 20, 2008 5:04 pm

    quite possibly the gayest thing on the net.

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