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Trump Was Right About That Baby

August 3, 2016

Yesterday Donald Trump asked to have a crying baby removed from one of his rallies. Let me preface what I’m about to say: I do not support Donald Trump and I will not vote for him. If elected I think he would be a bad president.

Having said that: Trump was right about that baby.

We as a society need to become more aggressive in telling people to remove babies from situations where babies shouldn’t be. A political rally? Hardly a place for a baby. A TRUMP rally? That should be like renting a car. 25 and up. 

More than likely, you shook your head disapprovingly when you heard what Trump said. But if you’re being honest, admit it was probably the same reaction you had last time you were in a restaurant with a screaming infant. 

The root of my issue with babies in public comes from how many people bring babies to late movies intended for grown ups. Look, if you bring your baby to a 10am early bird showing of Finding Dory, whatever. That’s an appropriate time and movie for kids to watch. But a 10pm show of Jason Bourne on a Saturday night? Now you’re making a conscious effort to destroy everyone else’s date. It’s like you said to your significant other: “Hey Hun, you know what would be a hoot? Making sure peopl essentially wasted money on a sitter. In fact, let’s not feed her before we go, then dangle a bottle in front of her face during the movie so she wails extra loud.”

A couple years ago we go to see Run All Night with Liam Neeson. It’s an R-rated crime thriller with tons of grisly violence. We went to at 9pm show on a Sunday night. A couple shows up after us with a baby who immediately starts crying. Which while annoying, is absolutely the correct reaction. The sound of constant gunshots and people dying is hardly soothing to a one year old. Pretty sure no lullabies incorporate the sound of the guy from Taken blowing a guy’s head off with a sawed-off shotgun as background noise.

Plus, should we really WANT a baby there to hear all that garbage? Trump kicks a baby out of his rally: everyone explodes. Shouldn’t we be saying, “Yeah. Good. One less young mind molded by Donald Trump.” I know it’s just a stupid baby, but you have no idea what’s being filtered into his subconscious. Before you know it he’ll be talking, telling his Mom “I’ve got a YUGE load in my diaper Mommy, it’s just the greatest, classiest dump.” He’ll even do the weird finger point that Trump does. She’ll look at him in horror like Damian’s mom from The Omen.

Believe me, it gives me no great pleasure to say any of this. I can’t overstate enough how much I don’t support Donald Trump. But on this issue I must give the Devil his due. Let’s keep babies out of places they don’t belong: especially Trump rallies. Or movies. This really boils down to me hating people who bring their babies to the movies. Basically, the candidate who adopts a “no babies at the movies” policy is getting my vote.

Speaking of places where I barely ever mention Donald Trump: sign up for my monthly newsletter already. It’s the greatest newsletter, you’re going to win so much from reading it, it’s going to be YUGE.

The Monday Morning Rinse

December 19, 2011

I took a few weeks off, but we’re back with Week 15’s Rinse:

Chiefs 19, Packers 14
With KC’s win over the previously undefeated Packers, interim coach Romeo Crennel emerges as the clear favorite to win the “Best Coach Who Looks Like a Muffin” Award.

Cowboys 31, Bucs 15
Tampa’s eighth straight loss moves coach Raheem Morris from the Mike Tomlin “Young Black Coach Who Knows What He’s Doing” class down into Mike Singletary “Black Coach Who Talks Loudly and Aggressively To Cover Up That He’s Actually an Idiot” territory.

Falcons 41, Jaguars 14
With reports of Atlanta coach Mike Smith having heart troubles this week, this win means all the Falcons can go back to quietly ignoring it when Smith clutches his left arm at the dinner table for a few minutes, saying, “ARGH…shit,” then breathing deeply for a few minutes before screaming, “I’m fine…why’s everybody so fucking quiet? I said I’m fine, goddamnit! Eat your fucking soup.”

Redskins 23, Giants 10
The second Washington victory over New York marks the first Redskin sweep since the last time Albert Haynesworth swept one of his beefy paws over the jugs of a Reston, Virginia waitress.

Dolphins 30, Bills 23
The postgame press conference was interrupted by a haggard looking Tony Sparano, who burst in wearing sweats and smelling of urine, yelling, “Am I pissed that I got fired and screwed over? Damn straight, but not as mad as Jimmy Darmody should be after that rat bastard Nucky Thompson screwed him over and plugged him in the head. How in the hell you going to shoot your surrogate son like that? I’m here to tell you that Boardwalk Empire sucks, and nobody should watch it. RIP Jimmy.” Sobbing, Sparano then threw several garbage bags full of money back out to the crowd, tipped his cap, and tearfully bid the assembled throng of reporters, “Good day.”

Seahawks 38, Bears 14
Seattle’s recent run of success is due to one of three things: better preparedness, better coaching, or the fact that four weeks ago Tarvaris Jackson and Mike Vick were cursed by a Haitian witch doctor and forced to switch bodies.

Colts 27, Titans 13
The Colts first victory clarifies their way forward, and GM Bill Polian’s ultimate plan: that the Colts need neither Andrew Luck or Peyton Manning and plan to go with Dan Orlovsky as their quarterback of the future.

Bengals 20, Rams 13
Rookie WR A.J. Green keyed the Cincinnati win, battling an ankle injury to surpass 1,000 yards receiving. “Just a mild sprain,” Green said later about his ailment. “It’s nothing serious. I wouldn’t miss these games for my life.” In what would be a kickass Twilight Zone plot, Green was then asked by Satan if he’d miss the games for the life of some random guy he doesn’t know, plus $10 million in cash.

Saints 42, Vikings 20
Drew Brees is a lock to pass Dan Marino’s record for passing yards in a season. In order to complete the similarities to their career trajectories, Brees now plans to appear in an Ace Ventura remake starring Ryan Reynolds as Ace, Al Sharpton as Tone Loc, and Lady Gaga as Ray Finkel. Best part is, they won’t need any prosthetic genitalia for this one.

Lions 28, Raiders 27
Ndamukong Suh blocked what would have been a game tying Oakland field goal to end the game. “See? I can block field goals. I don’t know why everyone thinks I’m such a bad guy,” said Suh, who spent his two game suspension practicing kicking guys, robbing a bank, sneezing on all the blankets at a homeless shelter, and helping the Grinch steal Christmas.

Panthers 28, Texans 13
Highlight of the game was a Carolina trick play, in which the Panthers showed a video on the JumboTron of David Blaine doing some douche trick followed by the Texans being too angry at Blaine’s douchiness to tackle the ballcarrier.

Patriots 41, Broncos 23
Unfortunately, Tim Tebow’s connection with God could not overcome Bill Belichick’s pact with Lucifer in which he is allowed one AFC East title for each innocent soul he delivers to the Dark Lord

Eagles 45, Jets 19
This win marks the Philadelphia’s sixth win, a desperate attempt by the team to keep their slim playoff hopes alive, and the first time anyone has used the words slim to describe anything associated with Andy Reid.

Cardinals 20, Browns 17
This game ended in an overtime period that was officiated by coaches Ken Whisenhunt and Pat Shurmur, who stepped up when the game officials decided after regulation that they no longer gave a shit who won or lost.

Chargers 34, Ravens 14
Rumors of coach Norv Turner’s firing at season’s end did not deter San Diego from winning big. “All that off the field stuff, it’s for the birds,” said QB Phil Rivers. “We can’t control it. All we can do is go out there, play hard, and execute Coach Gruden’s game plan that he emails us the night before the game without the knowledge of the current coaching staff because he was secretly hired five weeks ago.” Rivers then paused and said, “Wait, did I say that out loud?”

Who’s Good for Tonight?
Ben Roethlisberger plans to play, so I think the Steelers edge the Niners in a close, defensive struggle. Much like the defensive struggle needed for any woman who comes within a 500 yard radius of Big Ben after a few Jack and Cokes

That’s all for week fifteen. Bring it right back here, next Monday and every Monday, or whenever I feel like it really, for the Internet’s only Monday morning recap of Sunday’s NFL action.

Avengers Plot Details

July 29, 2010
The highlight of last weekend’s Comic-Con, a yearly gathering of virgins dressed up like Aquaman and Harry Potter, was the assembly of the full line-up for Marvel’s Avengers, slated for release in 2012. I was able to get my hands on a copy of the script’s rough draft, and there are a few surprises within:
* In a scene described as a “Benny Hill-like chase sequence,” Captain America travels to Arizona and spends several pages comically running around after illegal immigrants.
* To begin the film, the Avengers argue about which Baldwin each one would be.
* Due to the contentious relationship between the two, neither Captain America or Iron Man is declared the leader. Instead, the team extends the honor to Popeye.
* Characters frequently and openly refer to Batman.
* Due to the fact that Sony owns the film rights to Spiderman until 2017, a character lazily described as “Arachnid-Dude,” makes his debut. The character is described thusly: “A sarcastic yet vulnerable teenager. Physically resembles Tobey MacGuire. Makes out with Kirstin Dunst and his Aunt May is a real nag. Did we say Aunt May? We meant Aunt…Cr..ay. Aunt Cray. Yes, that is the ticket.”
* Poorly conceived and executed subplot featuring an Ant-Man/Christ parallel.
* Scarlett Johanssen’s character is not called the Black Widow as she usually referred to in the comics. Here she’s called Trampy McHooterstown.
* Hawkeye, while usually appearing as an archer in a purple costume, here is described as being a wisecracking Korean War era Army surgeon.
* The plot revolves around the Green Goblin kidnapping Christopher Nolan and forcing him to give a detailed explanation of what the hell happened to DiCaprio at the end of Inception.
* When asked if he thought that Cyclops and Professor Xavier deserved their respective fates in the X3, Nick Fury responds: “YES THEY DESERVE TO DIE, AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!” He went on to state, “YOU WANT MY BLOOD? TAKE MY BLOOD. GET ME SABEAN.”

Fake Review: Inception

July 20, 2010

Every once in awhile, a movie comes along that that seems beyond reproach. It assembles a group of cast and filmmakers so talented that it is destined not to suck.

Sorry to say it, but Inception is not one of those films.

I was pretty pumped for it. It has Christopher Nolan, one of the great filmmakers. Leonardo DiCaprio, one of the great actors. Unfortunately, it falls flat.

I’m going to get into a very spoiler-filled discussion of the plot, so if you haven’t seen this piece of dreck you should stop now.

The movie opens up with Michael Caine and DiCaprio watching the Robin Williams film What Dreams May Come. DiCaprio says, “Robin Williams is a hell of an actor.” Caine replies brusquely, “Yeah. He’s a much better actor than your dead wife!” The two of them get into a well choreographed 25 minute fist fight which features swords, nunchakus, pyrotechnics, and a laser light show. The fight itself is amazing, but it does nothing to move the plot forward. Also, the realism is affected by the fact that Michael Caine’s stunt double is a black guy.

After DiCaprio bludgeons Caine with a bust of Beethoven, ending the brawl, he looks directly into the camera and states, “Now that I just pwned Alfred, whaddya say we go steal some dreams?”

DiCaprio travels to his office, where his company has the not so subtle name of “DiCaprio’s Dreamstealers,” even though DiCaprio’s name in the film is Cobb. There, we meet his staff: Joseph Gordon Levitt, Tom Hardy, and an unexpected cameo from Ben Kingsley playing the same character he played in Shutter Island. As DiCaprio fills out some tedious paperwork (another twenty minute block of the film), he looks up at Kingsley and says, “Hey, did you ever find those invoices I asked you about?”

“Uhh, no,” says Kingsley. “It’s as if they evaporated…straight through the walls.”

DiCaprio gets so pissed that he fires Kingsley on the spot. Before Kingsley leaves, he launches into an impromptu Gandhi impression, seemingly just to prove that he’s a superior actor. Several members of the crew attempt to restrain him and pull him away. They’re unsuccessful until a key grip smacks him over the head with a boom mic. One wonders why this whole exchange wasn’t edited out of the final cut.

With Kingsley’s departure, DiCaprio is forced to interview a new assistant. He brings in Ellen Page. As DiCaprio asks her the standard interview questions, he breaks into a stirring rendition of Gary Wright’s Dreamweaver. After he goes through the song three or four times, it becomes clear that the script isn’t complete and they’re just killing time. More evidence of this: Gordon-Levitt openly checks his watch, and Tom Hardy yells out, “Maybe we could play Jenga or something.” DiCaprio waves this suggestion off as he kicks his chair away and launches into a spirited version of Billy Ocean’s Get Outta My Dreams (Get Into My Car).

Once the film hits the hour mark – the minimum amount of time required to make a feature length film – Chris Nolan emerges from behind the camera dressed in a Batman suit made out of $100 bills. He lights a cigar and says directly into the camera, “Y’all should check out Memento. Now that was a hell of a picture.” He chuckles softly to himself, repeats the refrain: “A hell of a picture!” and walks off camera.

And that’s pretty much it.

Study Links Declining Bee Population to Cell Phone Use

July 12, 2010

According to a new report, cell phone radiation may be contributing to the decline in world’s bee population. Here to comment with a guest blog is beloved children’s book character, Winnie the Pooh:

Oh bother. It appears that my favorite summer treat may be in danger of disappearing. I don’t know what I would possibly do without my honey. And as you know, without my forest friend the honeybee, I will be forever deprived of my most treasured afternoon snack. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to not be able to stick my paw into a gooey jar of the world’s most delicious treat. I asked my friend Piglet about it, and we talked about what possibly could be done about this troubling quandary.

We came to this conclusion: humans, stop using cell phones, or I will eat absolutely every person I see.

That’s right. I may be a shy and bashful woodland creature, but I did not stutter. If the usage of all cell phones is not halted immediately, I will unleash the beast inside me that has been aching to get out for as long as I can remember. I’m not playing. I’ll rip off my red t-shirt, find the nearest camping ground, and start sucking down tourists like they were animal crackers. Men, women, children. It don’t matter. I’ll make the Hundred Acre Wood look like the beaches of Normandy. 

Think I”m playing? That’s fine. I don’t mind having a couple of lumberjacks for dinner just to prove my point. My favorite sandwich is Paul Bunyan on rye.

Many have asked how I’ve been able to quell the bloodlust that lives inside of each and every bear. For years I’ve been ridiculed within the bear community for my easygoing attitude and affable nature. Let me tell you my secret: honey. Something about it soothes me and allows me to become a functioning member of our peaceful forest society along with an owl, rabbit, pig, gopher, and tiger. Not to mention a kangaroo and her bastard joey. Getting my daily fix of honey takes the edge off and lets me see clearly. You take that away?  I’m going Into the Wild on all your asses.

I know what you’re thinking: but isn’t your very best friend Christopher Robin, a human boy? To that I say: absolutely. Christopher Robin is my boy, and I know he’ll always have my back no matter what. Christopher Robin gave Winnie the Pooh a home when no one else believed in Winnie the Pooh. But if this cell phone radiation thing keeps up, I’ll eat him first. Just to show everyone I mean business.

So cut out the cell phones and save the bees or you’re going to be in for a world of hurt. I won’t even stop at people. Cows, goats, dogs, horses. Farms, zoos, the Kentucky Derby. I have no absolutely no qualms about letting my bear flag fly. I’ve kept myself in check for too long anyway. It’s about time for me to do me. 

Oh, and wrap your brain around this: one of my best friends is a tiger. So the next time you think about opening up your IPhone and making a call, just imagine a crazy bear going through honey withdrawal riding towards you on the back of a snarling jungle cat. Followed by an army of charging, pissed-off heffalumps.

LeBron to Become Wade’s Little Bitch

July 9, 2010

After a long, drawn-out free agent recruiting process, King James finally has made his vaunted decision. With ESPN cameras on him last night, LeBron James announced that for the next five years, he will be officially Dwayne Wade’s little bitch.

“I can’t say it was always in my plans, because I never thought it was possible,” that groveling little bitch said as he fantasized about possible leashes and dog collars that #3 could lead him around by. “But the things that the Miami Heat franchise have done, to free up cap space and be able to put themselves in a position this summer to have all three of us, it was hard to turn down.” As he said this, he searched the room longingly to see his master give some sign of approval.

In the pursuit of winning a championship, James’ signing brings three marquee players to South Beach. Along with Wade’s other little bitch, forward Chris Bosh, LeBron will form one half of the most formidable bitch combo since Karl Malone and Gary Payton put their old wrinkled tails between their legs and went to LA to become Shaq’s little bitches. With the signing, James immediately becomes the NBA’s most recognizable little bitch.

Experts are wondering exactly how LeBron will have to adjust his game to accommodate his gracious owner and the King of Miami. For example, will he become more like a Magic Johnson type facilitator rather than the dominating wing he has been for the last seven years? Also, what if Wade wants a sandwich? It could be a distraction if LeBron has to exit games in the middle of the second quarter to make a Quiznos run.

Many have accused LeBron of quitting on the Cavs during their second round loss to the Celtics this past summer. Miami fans have no reason to worry about that now, as the threat of a firmly placed Wade backhand will certainly make his LeBitch cower in fear.

One thing is for sure: James’ signing finally answers the question: who is the next Michael Jordan?  The answer, unequivocally, is Dwayne Wade. Wade won a championship by taking his team on his back. Wade convinced one all-world player and one All-Star to come roll with him, in HIS town. He pulled off the Michael Corleone move of all Michael Corleone moves. All you can do is tip your cap and respect that he was able to reduce one of the world’s greatest players to one of his henchman. If LeBron was a character from the 1989 Batman, he’d be one of the Joker’s nameless goons.

Dwayne Wade is the NBA’s new alpha dog. And LeBron James is Dwayne Wade’s little bitch.

LeBron’s Decision

July 8, 2010

LeBron James will decide where he will sign for 2010 and beyond in an hour long special Thursday night at 9 p.m. live on ESPN. While broadcasting the decision shows a degree of media savvy, many are questioning how ESPN plans to fill the hour of air time that isn’t the actual announcement. Here’s a rundown of how they plan to fill the time:

9:00 –  Lavish musical number with Mike Tirico, Tim Legler, Ric Bucher, and Stephen A. Smith in tuxedos.

9:10 – A hilarious and biting tribute from legendary Vegas funnyman and roastmaster extraordinare Don Rickles.

9:18 – Interview with LeBron’s new step-dad, Delonte West.

9:22 – Live-look in  as Shaq announces his decision to sign with Milwaukee on Versus.

9:25 – LeBron enters the ESPN studios and forces the team of analysts to listen to ex-teammate Damon Jones sing and tell him how good he is.

9:31 – As the announcement draws closer, beat writer Chris Broussard openly weeps at the thought of his own ebbing relevance.

9:35 –  A haggard looking Alexei Lalas breaks onto the set and has to be restrained as he desperately attempts to remind everyone that the World Cup is still going on.

9:43 – Ron Artest attempts to explain the plot of Inception.

9:49 – In the interest of gender equality, David Stern calls in to demand that equal attention be paid to WNBA free agency. An intern must remind the commissioner that the WNBA season is actually underway.

9:51 – In an effort to kill time, Ric Bucher performs some of his old stand-up routine from his college days; he’s roundly booed by LeBron’s entourage.

9:54 – Shelley Smith makes the assembled crowd both nauseous and amazed as she finishes a 72 oz. steak she began at the beginning of the show. She is awarded a t-shirt and a coupon to the Bristol Applebee’s.

9:59:59 – LeBron finally makes his announcement – he is buying the Knicks, Heat, and Cavs and turning them into one super team known as the Miew Yleveland Cavaheaterbockers. The starting center will be Dwayne Wade sitting on Amare Stoudemire’s shoulders.